Home life
Station frustration
Alice Thomas Ellis
Iwas waiting for a train at Gospel Oak the other morning. And waiting and wait- ing. After a while I was deeply astonished to find myself approached by a radiant railway employee with a smile on his face. I am accustomed to railway employees with faces wearing expressions of resigned dis- gust as — clearly against their better judgment — they wearily sell you a ticket, or wave vaguely in the approximate direc- tion they think your train may be coming from. This one was eager to converse. How, he asked, was I? And what a nice day, for a change, wasn't it? And where was I going? When I told him, he said cheerily that in that case I'd be better off on the opposite platform since where I was standing no trains weren't going to no Acton — they were going the other way.
Still stunned by this evidence of interest and concern, I found myself faced with yet another beaming employee bearing a sheaf of newspapers called Leisure Express, all about railway trains and where you can go and what you can do on them. I'm going to give this lady a paper,' he said. And then it became clear. 'Because', he added, 'this is "Be Nice to the Public Week".' Ah. 'Train be along shortly,' he said and judiciously melted away.
Fifty minutes later I became aware of a disturbance further down the platform. A well-dressed gentleman of respectable mien had flung his paper to the ground, `I've forgotten what comes next.' was obviously only just restraining himself from jumping up and down on it, and was uttering a bad word. Then he started pacing and muttering and rolling his eyes heavenwards, and I stood well out of his way reading my own Leisure Express. He was obviously longing to do someone a mischief and the station staff had gone away — perhaps to be nice to somebody else. I also felt rather inclined to bite, but I reasoned that I couldn't blame my new friends for the tardiness of the train, since they were here. Whoever was responsible was some crumb, miles away down the line.
My paper did little to relieve the frustra- tion of this prolonged wait. The phrase `Alton Towers: Fun for everyone' occur- ring on the cover fills me with gloom. I know what that means. It means fun for the little ones if they happen to be the extrovert type who like that sort of stuff (and it is surprising how many children don't) and hell for everyone else. Sure enough I turn to the centre pages and am confronted by a picture of a family — two children, Mummy, and, rather oddly, what looks like two Daddies, careering down a waterfall in what appears to be a large slipper. The people whose faces are visible are laughing, but one of the Daddies has his head down and I think he's being sick.
Or how about this? 'At Alton Towers the mood is ever changing' (I bet). 'If it is excitement you are after, Alton has the ultimate in "white knuckle" rides like the sensational Black Hole in Fantasy World. This pitch-dark space-ride plunges you down seemingly sheer drops and round impossibly tight bends.' I get vertigo when the train moves into Camden Town on the overhead rail. Then I read of a 'completely new themed area called Kiddies' Kingdom which is devoted entirely to younger chil- dren. Like a mini-assault course, young- sters have the time of their lives on attractions like Biff and Bash, Cookie Mountain and Tarzan Run.' I have often in my mind likened younger children to de- mented little paratroopers from outer space, but I have never quite seen them as an actual assault course.
Should you be feeling peckish you will be reassured to know that . . if you are in a hurry to get back on to the rides, the Talbot — the biggest fast-food restaurant in Europe — can feed 1,000 people an hour'. And if you're worried about germs you needn't be: 'A keen-eyed and efficient task-force preserves Alton's enviable repu- tation for cleanliness. The staff are neatly uniformed and have that all too rare attitude of caring for people.' Well, so they have at Gospel Oak station, but that doesn't make the trains run on time. I don't think we've got our priorities quite straight. Back to Alton Towers: `So far the company has spent £50 million theming more than 100 attractions into the former estate of the Earls of Shrewsbury.' Poor old Earls.