Low life
Tension
Jeffrey Bernard
T was given a very clear indication this 1 morning of the meaning of that old phrase 'from the sublime to the ridiculous. There I was lying in an extremely hot bath, smoking a high tar cigarette with a cup 0` Earl Grey tea balanced precariously on the edge of the bath and listening to Ma"' Callas singing Rossini and all the while there was a man downstairs hammering 011 the front door attempting to deliver 3 recorded letter. I can stand up in my bath, open the window and just manage to see the front doorstep but I know by now that these people always hound a man at 8 a.th* before they think he goes to work. AnywaY' he went away at last and the bath water drained to some Dvo'fik and then came the sad news that William Holden had be_en found dead in his Los Angeles home. tie, was an actor who got better the older he g'9" but what I got was a deep depression at th'
fact that he'd been dead for a week before he was found. Think about it. How long could you be dead — assuming you're single — before you'd be found? I reckon I could be on the floor for two weeks before I'd be found by a bailiff who'd got a war rant of entry. Not that it matters much but 1 would like not to look too ghastly by the time I arrived at last orders. Vanity I sup pose, and I'll never forget being once told by a policeman that single people who snuff it in bedsitters in midsummer have to be shovelled into dustbin bags.
Yes, death has, even more than usual, been uppermost in my mind ever since I read about the woman who got off a murder charge because she was suffering from pre-menstrual tension. Since most of the women. I know suffer from pre menstrual tension for three weeks out of four this could be a dangerous precedent.
Women are feminists when it suits them.
The fact that a man had a prison sentence reduced because he had a cactus plant that needed a lot of looking after doesn't con sole me much in spite of the fact that I have an extremely sensitive cheese plant that suf fers from pre-watering tension. No, it used to be one law for the rich and one of the poor. Now, it's one for women and one for men. What I'd really like to see is legislation
that would enable men to mui-der women When they are suffering from pre-opening
time tension. It would be interesting to see statistics on the matter of just how potty men can get between 10 a.m. and 11 a.m.
This is often the longest hour in the day the last quarter of it being as long as the first three quarters of it and I'd very much like to know what Einstein would have thought of that theory which is one I conceived last week while having a nervous breakdown in the kitchen after I'd burned the toast.
But, to go back to this business of women getting away with murder, I've come across women who can murder you slowly and at
long range with malignant thought-waves. In fact 1 was woken up at 5 a.m. this morn ing by one of them and it wasn't until Maria
Callas sounded forth on the radio that the Pain went. I have, myself, I must admit, When deep in the dumps attempted to Murder women in this way but sadly they have a protective shield around them off Which malignant thought-waves projected by men simply bounce. Some scientists, myself included, call this 'realistic thinking'. This realistic thinking shield has Other uses and processes as well, one of them being the thought process which goes, `God almighty, I'm due for the curse. I think I'll kill that son of a bitch tomorrow, Spend the afternoon in Harrods doing a
Spot of shop-lifting and then give myself up to the police. After all, what's two years' Probation.'
To be fair though, apart from allowing met) pre-opening time tension, they should allow them pre-race tension. 'They'd gone down to the start elord, were going behind the stalls, and I shot her through the head.' 'Case dismissed.'
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