YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I recently took a party of six friends to the opera, and was struck by my ignorance over a certain point of etiquette. When squeezing past people in order to get to one's own seat at the end of a row, do you face them or turn your back on them? As far as I can see, there is a straight choice between rubbing up against them with either your front or back bottom. What do you do, Mary?
E.H., Bruton Mews, London W1
A. Long-legged Rupert Christiansen, our former opera critic, often reaches his seat by striding sequentially over the empty seats in the rows behind, This method is clearly unsuitable for women and short- legged men, however, so both of these must make their way along the rows with their backs turned, sadly, on those they are pass- ing as the risk of falling on top of someone into a mating position is too high. Yet, using the seats in front as aids for balanc- ing, they can turn and say, 'Excuse me' or, 'Thank you' to each person disturbed as they go. Incidentally, when squeezing into a table seat in a restaurant, the opposite pro- tocol is in force. You must face those you are passing, as it is obviously better to
knock plates, knives and glasses etc. off your own table with your buttocks than to knock them off a neighbour's.
Q. I have a friend who is reasonably clean. He has, however, a problem associated with personal hygiene which causes me some distress. On the tip of his nose which, in his case, might be described as monumental, he sports a singularly revolting blackhead. It has been a feature of his appearance for some years. Rather than growing tolerant of this eccentricity, I find that I am experi- encing increasing difficulty in controlling an urge to leap upon him and apply manual pressure leading to its removal. The urge reaches a heightened degree of intensity after sharing a few pints with him. I should
like to inform him of the potential for gen- eral offence which the object in question presents, of my personal reaction to its exis- tence, and about strategies currently being used to overcome grooming problems of this nature ranging from hot fermentation, through herbal medication to major surgi- cal intervention. The latter strategy I would like to recommend as the only practical solution in the circumstance at hand. How might I achieve this without causing offence?
G.L.S., Edgecliff, NSW, Australia
A. Ask your friend round for a drink. When he arrives gasp, 'Oh good, I was worried I might have missed you. I've just got back from the dermatology out-patients clinic. Bit of a scare, actually, they thought I might have a malignant melanoma, but it turned out to be just a blackhead. It was just here on my chest and, funnily enough, it looked exactly like that thing you have on the end of your nose. But don't worry, the doctor told me, "If you can push the thing out using gentle pressure and a soft cloth, then it's not a melanoma, it's a blackhead." Here, sit still, actually I've got a soft cloth, let's put our minds at rest .. . '
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