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ISISGLE MAO SCOTCH &MP

Periphrastic

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1877 you were invited to give an amusingly periphrastic account of a simple, straightforward action.

Cocking a gun, cocking a snook, peeling a banana and (horribile dictu) picking a nose all got the treatment. Donald Godden kindly supplied a story of Oxford in the Thirties. At the beginning of each term's series of lectures on Greek epigraphy, Marcus Tod used to announce: 'If, at the conclusion of my discourse, the gentleman seated most adjacent to the rear threshold would be so kind as to rise and depress the flange laterally recessed in the sinister por- tal, thus releasing it from its overlying lin- tel, he would facilitate our egress.' The prize money being doubled this week, the fortunate winners printed below have £40 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to Chris Tingley.

Posting a Letter Having seen your missive safe into the sturdy but flexible packet designed to receive it (not forget- ting, should this be necessary, to apply the bond- ing juice of the salivary glands), take the ball- headed ink tube within the digits a beneficent

Providence has seen fit to place at the end of our arms and inscribe the unflapped side with the specificities ensuring prompt and efficient con- veyance to the destination desired. Then affix the gummy legitimiser which, for all the majesty of the head adorning it, deigns to sponsor bill and billet-doux alike, and speeds to Lerwick or Land's End with equal willingness. Finally, pass- ing without deviation between transom and threshold at the margins of your house, let your pedal appendages lead you to the scarlet mon- ster that devours only to disperse; and there firmly thrust the fruit of your labours between its ever-open lips, to sink to the maw within.

(Chris TingleY) Signing a Cheque To execute a convincing endorsement of your willingness to discharge whatever financial

responsibilities you have incurred as a result of the preceding transaction, whether this follows on immediately or not, consider first the process which a forger would rehearse before replicating your signature. With the cheque face upwards, whether on an uneven surface or not, thrust pen towards paper with the confidence which would normally be an impersonator's prerogative, and move from left to right with a speed somewhere between careless and importunate. You should not hesitate, unless this is an integral part of your writing your name (in which case, do not hesitate to hesitate). Employ the hand with which you generally write, and do not inspect your effort. You will find that nonchalance is easy to achieve, with practice. Remember: you should be thinking very hard about not thinking. The result will provide you with the pleasure of

recognition. (Bill Greenwell) Morning Tea

My matutinal praxis being determined by diurnal geo-solar phenomena, rather than quitting the arms of Morpheus, I hebetate until the fiery orb penetrates my cutaneous defences. Then envel- oping myself in that garment that combines informality with propriety, I venture forth in quest of liquid stimulation.

Revolving the silvery spigot, I collect some of the life-giving liquid in the appropriate recepta- cle and initiate the electro-thermal process. While attending upon its completion, I select a porous envelope containing the desiccated foliage of the glory of the mystic sub-continent, perforated for optimum infusion. Upon receiv- ing aural indication of ebullition, I immerse it in the still seething vessel.

Pausing only to charge a second vessel with the maternal nutriment of our vaccine fellow- mammals, I retire to my dormitorium to greet the light of my life with a portion of the cup that cheers. In short, the day has begun. (Noel Petty) Getting a Haircut

Suffering as I do from a not inconsiderable fol- licular deficiency, I confine my patronage of male hairdressing salons to the year's penulti- mate month. The task of rendering my peripher- al hirsuteness less luxuriant, applying aromatic lotions to the residual areas of growth and administering stimulating massage to the not insubstantial barren section is accomplished without undue difficulty and a minimal expendi- ture of time, but the tonsorial mechanic feels it incumbent upon him to further justify my not insignificant outlay of money by superfluous util- isation of his comb and redundant snipping of imaginary hairs with his shining instrument of curtailment, accompanying these singularly futile gestures with idle and tedious animadversions on the quasi-criminal and lunatic behaviour of cer- tain polificians and managers of clubs affiliated to the Football Association, and veiled hints as to my needing to avail myself of his store of pro-

phylactics for the forthcoming conclusion to the working week. (Watson Weeks) Grilling Welsh Rarebit Place the preparation on the reticulated wire framework fitting within the low rectangular enamelled steel receptacle, and convey this entire assembly beneath the source of radiated heat. Leave it until the cheesy mixture acquires a shade of colouring between deep gold and light chestnut; a pale yellow cast or blackish patina indicate respectively too brief exposure or too intensive torrefaction. Exercise patience, resist- ing temptations to withdraw from this scene of operations and undertake separate tasks; it is calculated from experiments with perceptions of time over contrasting periods of inactivity and employment that the actual time taken by such tasks varies in inverse proportion to the agent's estimate of their duration. Thus an apparently short absence may reduce your snack by carboni- sation or combustion to a state not only repug- nant to visual culinary aesthetics but abhorrent in mastication and digestion and hence ultimate- ly unprofitable to your domestic economy.

No. 1880: Copy Cats (Philip Dacre) You are invited to supply a suitably canine lyric (maximum 16 lines) for Lloyd Webber's future minicar, Dogs. Entries to `Competition No. 1880' by 4 May.