John Wells's Christmas quiz

Hello! (screams men's fashion editor of Now, the magazine for the thinking bachelor). After the phenomenal success of PANTIE MAGA- ZINE'S thrilling quiz last year to help you per- sonally to determine whether you were IN or OUT, a HIPPY or a PUDGY, we've cooked up a little probe of our own that is designed to assist you in the madly boring business of poking yourself in your own pigeonhole politically. Just scribble a little pencilled tick against the solu- tion you would choose to each fraught situation, tot up the ticks, and then turn to the foot of this page to discover which hue in the political spectrum is most likely to bring out the real YOU in the coming year. No cheating, please!

TIZZ ONE: You find yourself sitting in a draughty Methodist chapel. There is a strong smell of oil-stoves, but no appreciable warmth, and your breath is clearly visible. The wooden benches are extremely hard and uncomfortable, and the tips of your nose and ears are painfully frozen. Mr Ray. Gunter is standing in front of the congregation, as he has been for the past three-quarters of an hour, denouncing you as an evil and perverse generation. He closes his address with the words of Pharaoh to the children of Israel: 'Ye are idle, ye are idle!' As Mr -Gunter returns glowering to his seat, the congregation rises to its feet to sing 'Oft in danger, oft in woe.' Your thoughts

(1) Wander angrily over the whole tragic mess brought about by the surly and indolent British workman, always disrupting the eco- nomy with his outrageous demands for money. You, yearn for a green and pleasant land, ruled over by a wise old king, possibly Sir F. Chichester, with his barons about him, Beeching, Robens, Gunter, Frost, etc.

(2) Turn with relief to your own hearth, bright with crackling logs bought for a few pence from a picturesque starving gipsy woman, your glass of South African 'sherry and broiler-reared roast turkey.

(3) Are concerned principally with the fat reactionary Gunter, whom you imagine being garotted, hanged, burned aliVe or flung into a pool of hungry crocodiles during some future excess of the permanent revolution.

TIZZ Two: Having accepted an invitation to dinner with a quiet, donnish friend in Glouces- ter Crescent, you find yourself in the company of Sammy Davis Junior, Princess Margaret, Jonathan Miller, Kenneth Tynan and the Pink Floyd. During dinner the conversation wanders agreeably over various inoffensive liberal and fashionable topics, and afterwards it is sug- gested that you should all go on to Sybilla's. At the entrance to the club the whole party is cut off by photographers from the Daily Express 'William Hickey' column. You

(1) Throw yourself blindly at the first camera- man, determined that at whatever injury to yourself the Monarchy Must be protected from such humiliation.

(2) Smile and pretend it's a joke, secretly looking forward to seeing tomorrow's paper. (3) Fling yourself hysteric0,1y into the nearest dustbin, realising that even a blurred profile can mean social death.

Trzz THREE: Your wife is sitting alone on a bench in the park while you throw a medicine

ball for the chihuahua. A coloured man, hold- ing a placard over one shoulder protesting against the war in Vietnam, sits down beside her and wishes her a good afternoon. You (1) Set the chihuahua on him, rolling up your sleeves and growling vicious slogans.

(2) Look pointedly in the other direction, dance away to perform a few cartwheels and unconcerned handsprings and return a few min- utes later to suggest to your wife that it might be a good idea to go home to tea.

(3) Insist on his coming home with you, bully him against his will to enjoy your meagre sup- per, and pointedly leave the still protesting student alone with your wife, presenting him ostentatiously with a new toothbrush, and leave the house for a week.

Tizz FOUR: China makes an unprovoked atomic attack on South Africa, after which a swash- buckling Chinese general with an eyepatch car- ries out a lightning infantry and tank attack over the Zambian border into Rhodesia. You (1) Get drunk, volunteer at your nearest recruiting office and write to The Times de- manding a massive nuclear retaliation.

(2) Drive to the Welsh coast, hire a rowing boat, and row to Dublin where you buy a bicycle and make your way to a cottage on the West coast of Ireland..

(3) Protest in the strongest terms against the mamby-pamby procrastination of Her Majesty's Government in allowing the Chinese to steal your clothes, calling on the Soviet Union to support the gallant armies of libera- tion in throwing off the yoke of white im- perialism. You condemn any intervention as 'oppression,' and return to Hampstead for a cold lunch.

Answers to quiz

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_ 'mold sApurs :g so b won