Breitmann Redivivus

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 364 Report by Naso A prize of six guineas was offered for a Hans Breitniann version of all or part of one of. the following stories : La Belle Dame Sans Merci, The Ancient Mariner, David and Goliath, Macbeth, King Alfred and the Cakes, Jonah and the Whale.

ALL six subjects were well represented in a good field; the chief difficulty was to squeeze enough plot into a maximum of twenty lines. Many com- petitors, too, found Pennsylvania Dutch an elusive dialect, and failed to sustain it for more than a few lines at a time : too many otherwise excellent versions were merely written in a strong Norddeutscher accent. Of those who came nearest to achieving the right touch of splashy and slightly maudlin bonhomie, the majority attempted La Belle Dame Sans Merci (neatly represented by R. J. P. Hewison as a 'Hexen- tanzplatz Miss'—a Rogger und Rohler, one imagines). Among these 1 liked especially Tony Neale's ending :

By wasscr now he vandcrs, In's kopf is sturm und drang; De frau is cone, und left him Ein endlos overhang.

In the David and Goliath group, J. P.

Mullarky gave the story a mordant contemporary twist But den die Philishteiner

Are writing to Hammershoult : `Goliat not begin to fight Ven David is knocking him colt.'

I thought Stephanie Gifford's King Alfred best of the cake-burners, and Jonah produced two neat endings, Margaret Usborne's Und Herr Gott tipped de vale de vink,

De fisch vinked back 'O.K.' Yonah vas nettlich oopgesicked, Und vent to Nineveh.

and, better still, Mrs. Agnes Kennett's Dc vale, he nod like Yonah In his insides to toss; Und spitted out him, saying

'Nein prophet—und nein loss!'

Also to be commended are R. Kennard Davis, 'Alberick and Hilary (all Belles Dames), Pibwob (Jonah) and R. A. J. Hawkins (David and Goliath). As runner-up to the four prize- winners (and very much in the running) I choose P. A. T. O'Donnell's Belle Dame, voluptuous purveyor of letchetarian schnecks' in a poem dialectically more convincing than some of the prize-winners, but not quite as funny: First prize of three guineas should go, I think, to J. A. Lindon's hilarious Macbeth, and I suggest that the remainder be split—or should I say 'schplid'?—equally among J. W. McFeeter's neat David and Goliath, J. E. Cherry's less accurate but very funny version of the same story, and R. A. McKenzie's Ancient Mariner.

PRIZES

A. LINDON) THE BANQUET SCENE FROM 'MACBETH'

Macpeth he gife a barty, Und all vos Saus and Braus, Mit tirty shokes und prosits- Der wein vos on de house !

Der noble Ritter Banquo Lie ploody in a titch : Vot did he gare dis Macpeth- Nod von liddle vinker's tvitch!

Pool vhen he coom to zit down, Potztausend I Himmel I Gott I Der Spuk of dot dere Banquo He zees, vot make him hot.

De oder yolks zee nodings, Dey vhishper he vos oilt; Poor be rates apout dish phantom, Und de barty zhe vos shpoilt.

Der Staten vos all rooint,

Der wein vent down de zink. . . Ach, verse als Spuk und murters, So eM schockin' vashte of trink!

(R. A. MCKENZIE) THE ANCIENT MARINER

It vos ein alter Seemann Mit vhishkcrs on de shin : 'Ach, Bake your shkinny handts afay, Or de veddings will pcgin!'

Der oldt Matrose halt im fest Mit shtrange und clitterin' eye : `Aroundt mein Schiff an Albatros He clidet in de shky.

`Und so I loadt mein gatabult, Und schlag im on de kop; Vot makes de grew dey gurse at me, Pecause de vindts all trop.

'Mein Gott I De grew dey bass afay, Vot leafs me in a funck, Mit golourt vorms all grawlin' on Dc sea, like I vosh trunck I

Wasser, wasser all aroundt- Gife me de lager beer!

De vedding she vos ofer, pool Mein shkinny handt is here!'

(J. E. CHERRY)

DAVIT UND COLIATH

Davit, chust a varmer's boy, Rebuded slighdly barmy, Hadn'd god his' babers yed, Bud visided der army.

`Chust loog ad all der grub I god, My prices are righd,' he gried. Davit vos der varmer's boy- Vorking Naafi on der side.

Bud oop dere gomes a shtranger, Den veet your vrom head do dots, 'Oppid I Shordy,' says dis gland, `Or I bust you on der nose.'

`Grumbs! Coliath!' Davy things, Und pigs ub der Naafi bread, Vich he throws mit all his mighd, Und der gland valls shtone dead.

Dot's how der simble Davit, (Abbrenticed to a varmer) Shtarted a var surblus shtore, Mit chust vun suid of armour.

(I. W. MCFEETERS)

A DUTCHMAN'S GIANT STORY

Goliath of der Phillisteins Vos der leader of der team. He bad a suit of armour Und a sword shust like a peam; Und yen he seed der Yiddishers, He used to yell und schcream : `Yi Yi I l'—shust so—und louder.

Von day von nice yung Yiddisher Coom valking all alone.

He had von leetle schling mit him, Und von leetle round vice shtone. He schlung it at der giant-man, Vot fell down mit a groan : Bang! Crash! !—shust so—a deader.

Der moral is, don'd roar und schcream, Und rage und stomp aroundt. Der man vot looks for drouble Mostly gets it, I'll be poundt. Yaw, yaw, shust so, I pet you.