YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. We recently employed a new couple at °w'Scottish estate and it was explicitly agreed that we were to be addressed as Mr "51 Mrs How. So we were somewhat sur- prised when over Christmas we were shown their daughters' new teddy bears and told Christian were called Denzil and Kate — our ‘-hristian names! What action would you advise?
D.H., London WII 11.. Why not retaliate by purchasing two ger- bils to be kept at the Scottish estate where they can increase your couple's workload? Need I suggest suitable names?
e ?. A regular house-guest invariably arrives a.ri ns. cases of expensive tropical fruit Which no one in this household normally eats or likes. Since her stays cover the peri- od during which the fruit can beexpected to rot, we are unable to politely thank her and distribute it among our friends and neighbours and are instead forced to con- bnine as much of it as our bowels can stand. y son is particularly affected, having now gun to miss school due to constant low-
Dear
Mary. . .
level diarrhoea. Having exhausted the obvi- ous alternatives of pickles and chutneys, as well as the conceivable range of subtle hints, I am at a complete loss as to what to do. Would you be able to help, please? VT:, Armidale, NSW, Australia A. Deal with this nuisance once and for all by asking a film props supplying agency to provide you with a swarm of bluebottles. Release these into the room where the tower of fruit is displayed and close the windows. On entering the buzzing mael- strom with your friend you can cry, 'Oh no, I forgot about our bluebottle problem. We've completely stopped buying fruit our- selves because this area seems to be suffer- ing from some kind of plague of fruit- crazed bluebottles. I should have warned you not to bring any!'
Q. We live in France and received an invi- tation to an old friend's 70th birthday party. On the back she had written: 'I am very dis- appointed that J & C [more old friends] can't be bothered to come to my party. I am concerned about numbers; if they won't come, would you come in their place?' We know you will find a riposte.
A.B., Bellac, France A. Write and say: 'Thank you for your kind invitation, but we are hoping, at the moment, for an invitation to a rather grand do on the same night. If this does not mate- rialise, then we would of course be delight- ed to accept yours.'
Mary Killen
If you have a problem, write to Dear Mary, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, Lon- don WC1 N2LL.
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