High life
Army camp
Taki
Athens Here, in the birthplace of selective democracy, philosophy, astronomy, epic and lyric poetry, science, drama and occa- sional buggery (I kid you not, it was only occasional), my fellow countrymen are agog with admiration for British patriotism as manifested by the millions who are vol- unteering for Britain's military. As Old Etonian Leonidas Goulandris said to me, `This is why my parents sent me to the old school, in order for me to learn to serve my adopted country; alas, I failed them, but so many of my schoolmates are making up for it.' Another Greek, George Embirikos, also an OE, cried with joy. `Nicky Haslam will make a great soldier. The English can now sleep peacefully.' Last but not least, Dimis Kritsas, a very old friend of mine, and once upon a time Greece's premier dress design-
er, was so inspired by British men rushing to enlist he immediately sat down and cre- ated a tunic which he has named Britannia. (It is a beautiful, evzone-like skirt, but in yellow and brown for camouflage.) No sooner had the British government bowed to a ruling of the European Court of Human Rights and ceased its ban on gays and lesbians in the military, Britain's defence department is swamped with vol- unteers. So much so that in America, where the army is having great problems in recruiting, Bill Clinton is seriously thinking of signing a presidential ukase to admit not only gay men and women into the Ameri- can armed forces, but also paedophiles, people who make love to animals, mem- bers of Man Boy Love Association, pornographers posing as artists, the venere- ally diseased, latent anti-religious clerics, pro-gay clergymen, condom manufacturers and — leave it to the Draft Dodger to come up with this one — old dead queens buried in Palm Beach. (The Greek armed forces adhere to the Human Rights direc- tive but recruits have to sign a piece of paper saying they will not change sex for three years; the limp-wristed ones go straight into desk jobs — no guard or com- bat duty. For some strange reason I have never encountered an openly gay Greek soldier or officer.) What in Peter Mandelson's name is going on here? When I rang my good buddy Nicky Haslam, he couldn't resist a pun: 'As Michael Portillo won a bi-election, he may be ambivalent about enlisting.' What about yourself? I asked Nicky. Per- haps I'll give it a whirl,' he said. 'London is rather boring right now.' Needless to say, the government, led by the Cabinet, is showing a good example. My not-so-inside sources tell me that Peter Mandelson, Chris Smith and Nick Brown are definitely enlisting.
Space prevents me from listing the well- known names dying to soldier, but I'm sure you get the picture. The pop music, cinema and art worlds have always shown over- whelming support for our armed forces. Boy George predicts he will end up an admiral sooner than you can sing that won- derful old naval Greek classic, 'I'm Walk- ing Behind You'. Even Alan Amos, who resigned as a Conservative MP after being arrested and cautioned for indecent behaviour, and who is now on a list of potential Labour candidates, has turned patriotic. I predict he will be among the first to volunteer for hazardous duty in the trenches.
Patriotism is catching. Martin Langham, England's latest Richard Branson clone he is the bloke who is starting a gay-friend- ly airline, with cabin crew who will wear gorgeous uniforms and have touchy-feely manners — cannot wait to put his new air- line in the service of Her Majesty's forces. And it gets better. When Livingstone becomes mayor of London, which he will if the army has anything to do with it, Lon-
don with finally be able to cash in on the lucrative homosexual travel market by por- traying the UK as a gay-friendly destina- tion. What's important is to keep people like Nicholas Soames from making those horrid noises he makes while millions of Americans are watching Prime Minister's Questions. Soames is a disgrace, a bigot and possibly a foreign agent. Here's a man who'd rather see the British army depleted and weak rather than gay- and lesbian- friendly. His grandfather, needless to say, is heaving in his grave.
Personally, I'm all for it. The Theban sacred battalion won eternal renown and glory by watching each other's backsides during battle. The greatest of them all, Alexander, swung both ways, and look how far he got. Julius Caesar, ditto. Let's face it, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Britain to regain her past glory. I can see it now: Peter Tatchell leading his brigade into the valley of death, but this time emerging victorious, with Putin's gunners fleeing in panic as our pink-coated heroes charge them waving their magnificent dildos.
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