YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I recently became socially acquainted with a disturbed young woman who, it tran- spired, had previously been engaged to a friend whom I know from different circles. She related how he had jilted her at the altar in the most callous fashion, resulting in years of profound psychological distress. In the course of recounting the story of their relationship, she attributed to him some exotic personal tastes of a most dis- reputable nature, which common decency forbids me from describing here. I am understandably very keen to hear his side of the story, yet do not know how to intro- duce such a delicate subject when I see him next. Any tips, Mary? T.D., London N8 A. Let us pretend that the jilter's name is Desmond. Let us, for argument's sake, pre- tend that his alleged perversion took the form of dressing up in full animal's pelt during the process of intimacy. Next time you see Desmond, draw him to one side and murmur in confidential tones, 'I've been told I'm going to receive an invitation to a quiet little party for pelt-lovers. I've been told you're on the guest-list too. Will you be going?' Taken by surprise Desmond will either reply, 'How did they know about me?' or, 'What on earth are you talking about?' If the latter, you can act daft and say, 'I have no idea what pelt-loving is. I thought you could illuminate me. Perhaps someone has put our names down as a joke.' If the former, you should be able to coax the full details out of him by pretend- ing to be a pelt aficionado yourself.
Q. I have to write a rather grim letter to a certain person. The, subject is vaguely con- nected to some money that is owing. How can I convey the impression that I have not lost my sense of humour and general light- ness of touch while at the same time tack- ling this somewhat serious matter? G.C., London SE1 A. Instead of sticking one first-class stamp to your envelope, buy 26 one-penny stamps and scatter them at random around the envelope. Many people miss out on this opportunity to contribute to the general gaiety of life, and your recipi- ent will treasure the envelope long after he has dealt with the unpleasant contents within. Q. Some time ago a friend of mine, whom I liked a great deal, opened a new restaurant which is named simply by its address. I called him twice in order to wish him well, as the restaurant was a new project and I admired him for his entrepreneurial spirit. He did not return my calls, nor did he send me any information on the restaurant. I know that he received my messages because he told a mutual friend that he must be in the doghouse because he had not returned my calls. Recently I received from him a standard flyer with details of the restaurant, which has received excellent reviews. I would love to visit the establishment and see my friend again but need your help as to how I should behave. In particular, he needs to realise that I felt seriously snubbed.
Name and address withheld A. Of course he should have replied, but you should not take his snubbing personally. Due to the frenetic, time-starved nature of his business, this restaurateur will have disap- pointed countless other well-wishers in addi- tion to yourself. His unpaid social debt will be causing him anxiety, yet, like a Third World debt, it may now be so great that only the 'interest', in the form of the most deeply offended, actually mutineering friends, can be paid off. Write off your grievances, be lofty. Otherwise you may rob yourself of future enjoyment of this man's company and of the pleasure to be had in his restaurant.
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