YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. At a recent lunch my neighbour suffered a fit of sneezing and had sneezed twice in quick succession before his handkerchief was in place. I was alarmed to see a gobbet of saliva and/or mucus on the rim of my plate, and another beside it. Although I was rather put off my food by the thought that all might not have been accounted for, I saw no option but to pretend to enjoy my lunch. What should I do if the same thing ever happens again?
CH.C., Buckland Denham, Somerset A. The solution is clumsily to knock over a full glass of wine directly into your platter of food. Your hostess will laugh gaily and promise that it couldn't matter less as she instantly supplies you with a whole new expectoration-free serving.
Q. Seconded to this beautiful island, I have had to take rented accommodation which is ample but not palatial. Nevertheless, friends are anxious to visit and the first couple arrive next Friday for some ten days. The furniture is not my own and I cannot help noticing, even in my enforced celibate state, that the beds creak ominously. I know that these friends enjoy the physical aspect of their relationship and I want to make their stay enjoyable without their being embarrassed. Should I (a) discreetly suggest that lateral physicality results in considerably less noise?
Dear Mary.. .
(b) turn the air-conditioning up full blast, thus dampening their ardour and providing a noisy distraction for myself? Or (c) quietly remove myself to a luxury hotel, telling them that I need a change of air?
S. Y E., Nassau A. It would be a mistake to anticipate the concupiscence of your friends, even by impli- cation. Nor should you commit yourself to unnecessary expense or further noise pollu- tion. Allow your guests a favourable first impression of their beautifully made-up beds before announcing that you have had diffi- culty attracting a carpenter to make good the instability of the bed frames. `The creaking may well keep you awake all night,' you can say brightly. 'Would you like me to move the mattresses on to the floor?'
Q. The secretary of a local society rang me yesterday to ask if they might come to visit our lovely Elizabethan farmhouse to inspect its fine plasterwork and mullioned windows. I warmly agreed to the plan and said that I would provide tea etc. Finally, at the end of our conversation the secretary said, 'Oh, by the way, our chairman is Mr X. You may know him.' Stunned, I hung up. I do indeed know him. He is a cad, a liar and a cheat. My husband will not allow him under our roof and I would feel sick to have his presence defiling my house. What can we do to prevent his coming? Please help, dear Mary!
P.J., Yorkshire A. You have two options. One is to confide in the secretary, asking her to reschedule the visit discreetly for a date when the chairman will be unavailable to join the party. Should this be impossible, inform the secretary that a close friend of yours, whose name you will withhold but who will be staying on the date in question, was at school with Mr X. 'It's all very childish, but they were absolute sworn enemies and our friend has promised that he will probably actually kill him if he comes through the door.' Since you do not want to be responsible for an unpleasant scene, you are sure she will understand that it would be inappropriate for her chairman to be present during the visit. Can you leave it to her to fmd a means of tactfully eliminating him from the group?
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