Chore Chanties

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 329 Report by Joyce Johnson A prize of six guineas was offered for the words of a song designed to assist as well as cheer any of the usual household or gardening tasks.

J THE trivial round, the common task, le furnished a great deal more than I needed to to ask. Competitors, old and new, aged an from twelve to over seventy, replied with a at hundred uplifted voices, beating time (one

imagined) with dish-mops, dusters, hoes and shears. Even after three siftings I realised that a good many commendable songs would have to go by the (draining) board.

A number in the washing-up section were

from the 'Crash goes a casserole—Bung it nd in the dustbin!' school (sung, as R. Kennard

Davis explained, by the Old China Chip- pers), but I cannot help thinking that such robustious lines would only encourage the accident-prone, and breakages do not really help. Clever and witty lines in other sec- tions which did not go with quite the right kind of swing were discarded in favour of more singable ones. A rhythm fitted to the task, and a task that would go the better for such an accompaniment, were the factors that eventually decided matters. Needle-threading, for example, needs silent concentration, I find, though Joan Haslett's Suck the cotton's end (pbthppl phthpp!) Don't let it bend (phthpp!) had its point. Neither do I feel that switch- ing on a switch calls for a song, let alone the fact that one would have to shout against the ensuing hum. Thus H. A. C. Evans's Glory, glory to the Hoover, Best and slickest dirt remover, Light and easy to manceuvre, The housewife's dearest friend.

and P. M.'s `Housewife's Song' with its Plaza-Toro-ish chorus of

For all I need to do. Ha! Ha!, is know which switch is which in My plutocratic, automatic, thermostatic, super hat-trick ALL-electric kitchen! were regretfully discarded. D. R. Peddy's 'I'm a little handyman, papering the wall' came very near with his 'So slap it on and slap it up and splish, splash, splosh,' but to rhyme 'may do' with 'dado' is not, in my opinion, prize-worthy. The other runners- up were J. A. Lindon, Frank Dunnill, Annie Allen, Gloria Prince, Frances Collingwood and J. R. Till, whose first few lines begin- ning with 'Wakey, Wakey! We give the sheets a shakey' would have set bed-makers off at a good spanking pace, but unfortu- nately he did not keep it up. R. A. McKenzie trundles away easily with the first prize of three guineas, and I recom- mend two guineas to Bernard Trayner for a Spray Shanty that should put extra venom into pest warfare, and the remaining guinea to C. Place for a duet that should halve bed-making time.

PRIZES

(R. A. MCKENZIE)

ROLLERMAN'S TRUNDLE Haul along, heave along, crawl along, grieve along, O-o-o-oh!

Toil along, drudge along, moil along, trudge along, 0-o-o-oh!

Shamble and tramp, stumble and stamp, Sent like a galley-slave out in the damp, Bent like a bally slave crippled with cramp, Troll awa-a-a-ay!

Roll awa-a-a-ay!

Drag along, droop along, fag along, stoop along, 0-o-o-oh I Clump along, yearn along, stump along, churn along, O-o-o-oh!

Jangle and grate, wangle and wait, Mired to the ankles, bemoaning my fate, Tired till it rankles, intoning my hate,

Troll awa-a-a-ay! Roll awa-a-a-ay!

(BERNARD TRAYNER)

SPRAY SHANTY (ENot..Ess)

As I was inspecting my roses one day

Chorus : Squirt, squirt, give 'em a squirt! The green fly were rampant—I got out my spray

Chorus : Have at the varmints and give 'em a squirt!

My fruit trees look charming all smothered in white

Not blossom, of course, but American Blight.

The slugs chew the roots of my radish and beet Voracious flea beetles prefer leaves to eat.

The cabbage white larva infest all my greens While thousands of black fly enjoy the broad beans.

So death to all spiders, leaf miners and ants And creepers and crawlers that smother my plants.

And when the pestiferous hordes are all slain, It's back to the roses and start once again.

(C. PLACE)

DUET FOR BED-MAKERS

I'll take the foot (and I'll take the head) One, two, bedclothes away! Don't turn the mattress (but smooth it instead) Haven't the time to be bothered today.

Now with a blanket (and now with a sheet) One, two, starchy and white!

Smooth it and pull it (and turn it in neat) Somebody ought to be thankful tonight.

Sheet number two (and blankets to come) One, two, hospital ends!

Eiderdown, counterpane (taut as a drum) Bed-making's quick—with a couple of friends.