YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I recently attended the 60th birthday party of a distinguished and popular friend. At the peak of the proceedings silence was called for in the marquee while another friend of the birthday boy took the stage. We sat back in anticipation of a witty resume of the life and times of our celebrated host. To our amazement, however, the normally hilarious speechmaker went `on the turn' and delivered a stream of unfunny observa- tions and stories, all of which were deeply unflattering to their subject. There was no question of him reversing the ill effect of these stories with a brilliant punch line, they simply went on and on until the chap was relieved of his microphone. Needless to say, he had drunk too much, but his performance left the audience of well-wishers stunned. What should we have done, Mary?
Name and address withheld A. Should you feel that a speech is going adrift at the type of function you mention, the best thing to do is to create a distur- bance in the audience. Allow your glass to fall from your hand onto a hard surface, then fall over backwards in your chair (this should not be too difficult, as it is likely to be one of those flimsy little gilt ones) and allow a collaborator to rush to the stage and take the microphone to ask whether there is a doctor in the house. He can then add, `I know we haven't yet heard the bril- liant punch line which I expect was coming up, but I don't think it would be appropri- ate to continue with the speech while the patient is being attended to . .. No doubt the audience will express their assent with relief and the party's buzz will soon resume naturally.
Q. I have received an invitation to attend the engagement celebrations of a couple, one of whom is still married to his first partner as his decree absolute has not yet come through. How should I go about expressing my disapproval?
Name and address withheld A. Why not telephone the man in question and say, `I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but somebody has been sending out bogus invitations in your name — obviously a mali- cious campaign to blacken your reputation because, of course, you're still married. . . .
Q. Among our friends who regularly join us here in the summer are a delightful couple whom we always love to see. However, this year the man has taken to socialising around (and swimming in) the pool 'in the raw'. Although our daughters and their friends are broad-minded, they find this rather dis- concerting, but we cannot agree on the best way to persuade our friend to wear a swim- suit! Can you suggest how we may achieve this — without impugning his virility?
Ai.W., France A. The best method is to pour a sugary and colourless liquid such as 7-Up onto the patch of your friend's reclining chair which will be graced by his general buttock area. An army of ants will soon march towards the invisible strip with inevitable results, and will send him screaming into the house for suitable protective clothing.
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