No. 1216: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: Competitors were asked to write a short verse biography of any famous, but not contemporary, figure.

`Biography,' declared E. C. Bentley, with little fear' of contradiction except by feminists and Women's Libbers, 'is about Chaps.' Indeed, your brief lives were almost all about Chaps, though a couple of Gals turn up among the winning entries. Among your subjects were some unusual characters and I now know all about Dirty Dick's (thanks to Fiona Pitt-Kethley) and (by courtesy of 0. Banfield) the name of the Welshman whose hymns inspire Welsh rugby teams. W.F. Owtram made the point that, in spite of the famous quotation, Hobbe's own life was neither nasty nor brutish nor short, and George Moor, who also aptly did a short life of George Moore, revealed that Gladstone was a Scouse. The entries printed below win £8 each and the bonus bottle of the Famous Grouse Scotch Whisky should by now be on its way to Gerard Benson, the briefest of the brief.

Thus to begin: Eleanor Gwyn; Born Drury Lane; In plays by Behn; Talent was reckoned By Charles II; Bore him a son; Got lots of mon.; Painted by Lely (Posed very freely); Caused a furore, 'Protestant Whore!'; Famed for her wit; Died in a fit, Aged 37.

Then went to heaven. (Gerard Benson) Oscar Fingal O'Flaherty Wilde Lived in Dublin as a child And started when still very young To pose and hone his sharpish tongue. His parents sent him, in despair, To Magdalen; for his antics there William 'Bab' Gilbert saw to it That this young biter should be bit. But that, and some successful plays, His vicious wit and funny ways, Combined to bring him further fame - Until he sought to clear his name.

The Queen said, 'He's beyond the pale I think he'd better go to jail.'

Alas, it only made him worse Resulting in some horrid verse. (Peter Alexander) The Lady with the Lamp The Nightingales were landed — nobs Who never sank to doing jobs: So when their forceful daughter Flo, All suitors spurned, began to show A wilful streak and, even worse, To want to be (Good God!) a nurse (For 'nurse' meant 'boozy blowsy whore') They could not but her choice deplore .. • Then war with Russia .. the Crimea: With fire this bedside Boadicea Fought germs' and bullets' ghastly throes (And British Army medicoes).

On Glory's roll — at dread Scutari - She blazed her name in letters starry.

And after this high episode? A Long, loud, brave, con brio coda!

(Martin Fag)

Born in London in 1844, 'Twas not until young Spooner spurned to leak That his dum and mad grew puzzled For all his boyish chatter sounded Greek.

At Oswestry he passed exams, And down to Oxford went, Kew Knowledge was to be his home From youth to ancient gent.

As student, fellow, tutor, dean, Rev. Spooner said he always got around Upon 'a well boiled icicle', A claim for which he's still renowned.

He thiged in nineteen-dirty;

Folk forget his classics brain, It's his transposition habit That the reference books explain. (V. Ernest Cox) The Bard We've the warp and we've the woof To thread a brief biog. of Gray (Tho' ample room and verge enough Were Ketton-Cretner's* in his day).

Toping father, doting mother; Met with Horace up at Eton (Walpole, and of course the other!); Model scholar, never beaten.

Then to Cambridge with a schol.; Kept rope ladder, dreading fire. Guy who never had a doll. Other guys? Best not inquire!

On tour with Horace, had a row.

At Stoke Poges scored a hit - Super poem all allow -

Got a Chair of Hist., not Lit. D P. M. Michael) • author of the standard biography.

Statesman, scribbler, soldier, seizer Such, my friends, was Julius Caesar.

He smote with force the Gallic foe (As every schoolboy used to know). He even sailed against G.B.

(The year was 55 BC.) And, when his Gang of Three was gone, He gambled on the Rubicon; Got power and Egypt; left the cares Of empire-building to his heirs.

He pardoned, as a victor should; His style was spare, his grammar good; But, spurning all prophetic guides, He failed to mark the fatal Ides.

Correctly he, though scarce alive, Blamed Brutus in the vocative.

(Bridget Lon&