DIARY
RORY BREMNER Ever since I started my Channel 4 show, I've tried to make sure the carica- tures and sketches are hacked up with facts. Anyone watching John Bird and John For- tune's interviews will know that they are masters of the satirical argument, and appreciate how grateful I am to have enjoyed their company as friends and col- laborators over five years or more. In addi- tion to our top trio of researchers, I've also been fortunate in gaining help and insights from many public figures whom I've approached when checking out a story. Last week, for example, I sought advice on EMU from the boundless Will Hutton and on Iraq from Sir Edward Heath. Will was passionate and enthusiastic as ever, and Sir Edward could not have been more helpful But a rogue idea in my head of one day playing him as W.C. Fields is becoming increasingly irresistible. I may have to write to Mary Killen about this one.
It was during a recent lunch with Sir Edward that a guest recalled a memorable dinner-table exchange between Michel Rocard and Mrs T in which the French PM challenged his counterpart: 'I'll bet you there will be a single currency within my lifetime.' Nonsense said Mrs T. 'It'll take at least 1,000 years.' Ahl' interjected Rocard triumphantly. 'But you accept ze principle. . • • ' Last week I recorded how my make-up artist Helen spent a television interview hiding under the then Mr Heath's desk. It seems this was not her only brush with famous femurs. As Ludovic Kennedy exam- ined her necklace while being made up on set, his signet ring became caught, and despite much frantic tugging during the countdown to air, would not come loose. They both realised there was only one thing to do: Ludovic with a sense of horror, Helen with a sense of familiarity. She was duly shoved beneath the desk, still attached to Ludo's hand, which also had to spend the interview hidden awkwardly out of sight. I'm not sure I can ever again watch Newsnight without wondering whom Jere- my Paxman has pressed next to his thigh. Even this image pales beside the memo- rable line delivered to Ian McShane by a matronly make-up woman. Placing him in the chair after a long day's filming, she said sweetly and without a hint of irony, 'Now, Mr McShane, would you like a wet one, or do you just want to cream off?'
There can be little doubt that whatever else has changed in New Britain, we still lead the world in the supply of redoubtable eccentrics. Last week I heard of a friend's mother who is now on her fifth hip (two replacements, the first of those now itself replaced). She has just given the most recently removed joint, a titanium hip fitted 15 years ago, to her husband for use as a priest — the small mallet used by anglers to administer the final blow to a fish's head. It now stands, mounted and ready for ser- vice, in the hall, and I must say of all the priests I've ever seen, this is most definitely the hippest.
Atide of pleas from parents and chil- dren for Radio Four not to drop its Sunday children's story is met with a statistical brush-off from the fatuous controllers. Not enough children listen, they say. And any- way, aren't they more interested in televi- sion? Hell's teeth! Have these people no soul? I hope the children of these ledger- led bureaucrats have a greater love of sto- ries than their fathers. If not, I fear they may develop the sort of imagination that allows them to believe in Father Christmas only because they've managed to access his website on the Internet.
Agreat weekend in the Scottish bor- ders with Allan Lamb, feisty star of Northants, England and the Old Bailey (the court, not the all-rounder). Lamby specialises in malapropisms, viz, to the I'm really sorry — I could have handled that better . . chairman of Northamptonshire on assum- ing the captaincy, 'Don't worry, Admiral, there's still plenty of water for that bridge to go under yet.' Or, referring to John McCarthy, 'Who was that bloke that was held hostage in Debenhams?' He's a bandit at golf, too, especially when he has lost his ball and you find one. 'What ball were you playing, Lamby?' Never mind that, I'll take that one. . . . ' He enjoyed my favourite Bernhard Langer story. Asking a caddy how far it was to the flag, Langer received the reply, 'Aye, well, it's aboot 249 yards from the sprinkler head, sir.' Ah,' said Langer, still not convinced. 'Is zat from ze front of ze sprinkler head or ze back of ze sprinkler head?'
Back to Towcester on Sunday for the races. I'm hooked now, having bought a share in a second horse, although Graham Cowdrey and I were nearly thrown out of our syndicate for giggling during the nam- ing ceremony. Graham is one of the funni- est men I know, and very good at punctur- ing pomposity. Knowing Julian Wilson, the BBC's retiring racing commentator, to be a bit of a wine snob, Graham apologised to him for ordering the house red in Julian's absence. 'Ugh!' said Wilson after a particu- larly elaborate display of sniffing and sam- pling. `Undrinkable!"Well, that's rather a shame, Wiz,' said Graham, revealing the label, 'because it is actually your favourite.' `Ah . . . ' spluttered Wiz. 'Having Said That. . . . ' Which, come to think of it, would be a good name for a horse. I'm slightly surprised that no one has yet organ- ised a season of Wiz farewell parties and can only assume it's because they're too poor, having followed his tips over the years. 'It'll win with both back legs tied together... . . ' Yeah, right. I think the least he deserves is a night at the Hilton with a parade of stars, Desert Orchid on top table and Elton rounding off proceedings with a specially commissioned rendering of `Goodbye England's Nose'.
We all knew the phenomenon couldn't last, but no one could have pre- dicted the speed and scale of the falling out. However, following a frantic PR exer- cise over the weekend, all is now said to be well between Posh Spice, Baby Spice, Gin- ger Spice, Sporty Spice and Scary Spice. Better known as Tessa Jowell, Tony Blair, Robin Cook, Tony Banks and Peter Man- delson. So that's all right then. As for Bernie Ecclestone — well, he's Tobacco Spice, isn't he?
Rory Bremner is appearing in Rory Brem- ner — Who Else? on Channel 4.
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