DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY Hooray! We are the party of spending cuts and proud of it — at last! It really was a stroke of genius by Dave to put Mr Letwin in charge of drawing them up because Mr Letwin is just about the cleverest economic brain we have, aside from Mr Redwood of course! He certainly won’t be going into hiding this time. Just as soon as he’s dusted off his £20 billion package from 2001 and tarted it up a bit we’ll be shouting it from the rooftops. And people say we haven’t changed! We’re constantly changing. If dumping our commitment to pretend to match Labour spending plans for a bit in favour of a swingeing package of cuts doesn’t show we’ve changed I don’t know what does!
TUESDAY
Bumped into Gids. He was taking Mr Letwin his toasted sandwich. Tried to ask if he was OK but he said he couldn’t stop to talk because Oliver doesn’t like it when the emmenthal goes cold. Mr L really is getting into the spirit of things. He spends long periods in the Austerity Room, our new relaxation area where we have replicated Real Life Impoverished Conditions so that everyone at CCHQ has the chance to experience what it’s like to be socially excluded. (Which is better than just getting voice coaching to sound common, innit?) I spent half an hour in there the other day and it was gruelling. There’s a huge widescreen TV playing non-stop Jeremy Kyle, a leather sofa from DFS and a table stacked with crisps, sweets and fizzy drinks. I nearly had a heart attack after my third sherbet fountain. I just can’t do sugar. Anyway it’s all very realistic. We had some help from Captain Smithy getting it just right. What he doesn’t know about working-class people isn’t worth knowing. Which is why we’re taking on board his terrific new idea of banning divorce, and saying the Latin mass in schools and some other reforms he’s sent us in a huge file marked Homo Sidens Pro Famidia which we can’t be bothered to read properly but I’m sure it’s all fine.
WEDNESDAY Memo from Jed in California. V bad news. He wants a list of ALL policies which we might have to dump, and he wants it by Friday afternoon cocktail hour his time! Even if we worked non-stop we couldn’t come up with such a substantial body of work by then. Am going to complain to Gary. I have dressage trials coming up this Sunday and if I stay late every night this week I could very well end up not qualifying for the Wibberley Horse and Rider of the Year show. He has to realise that I’ve got priorities... Oh dear. I don’t think Gary likes ponies much. Would go and ask Mr L for help but he’s watching Jeremy Kyle.
THURSDAY Up all night doing U-turns. Feel dizzy. Am working through the alphabet. So far I’ve got ‘B. Building more prisons: We can’t. Or more homes. Or more schools. Or more anything. E. All Environmental policies: To go, a shame, but there we are. F. Fair fuel stabiliser: Silly, silly! H. Hug a hoodie: We can’t be hugging hoodies in a recession. What if they pick our pockets while we’re hugging them? Health spending: Obviously we can’t increase it — dur!’ Hope Jed likes my edgy, forthright style. Bit stuck on the other letters. I think I’m just going to recommend that the only policies we go ahead with are our social policies because as we so rightly realised many months ago, moralising costs nothing. Thank goodness something’s free!
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