COMPETITION

No. 567 : Medical history

Set by W. F. N. Watson: The Oedipus Complex, and the story from which it is named, are well known. Competitors are invited to compose an explanatory descrip- tion of the symptoms, causes and effects of the less well-known Salome Syndrome; or of Ixion's Disease; or the Phaeton Com- plex; or some other affliction to be named after a mythical, legendary, literary or his- torical character. Limit 100 words; entries, marked 'Competition No. 567', to be in by 5 September.

No. 564 : The winners

Trevor Grove reports: Police in Devon and Cornwall, wishing to warn surfers ot a vil- lanous malibu board thief in the area, had the inspired notion of handing round a broadsheet to this effect, stylishly written in the surfers' own jargon—'Spread by the fuzz of Devon and Cornwall to help sock it to the mean cats'. Competitors were invited to submit extracts from hippy (or any other jargon) versions of the Queen's Christmas Message, a school speech day address, a judge's summing up, or any other formal announcement or peroration. There was a touch of confusion as to how 'jargon' should be interpreted, notably from N. J. Rock who was content simply to translate us to Heorot in bland Old English; but mostly Fowler's suggestion that it should have an exclusive and obfuscating function met with agreement—`The chief purpose of slang Is to show that you're one of the gang'. Witness Martin Fagg and Charles III's, address to the Annual Timbertops Reunion, 2006:

Not being much of a sprooker, I'm a bit bushed having to stand up here and fossick about for words — it's a fair cow in fact! You may think I'm just some toe-ragging

pommy skite putting on the dog but I'm not such a wowser as I look. I know from my days as a jackaroo that the thing every dinkum Aussie enjoys most after rooting the shielah he's shook on is getting shickered up, so I propose we all scut away pronto to some bonzer shanty where we can get some real jake grog and tucker. Too right!

Four well-earned guineas to Mr Fagg. Still with the Royal Family, the Queen's Christmas Message proved a popular gas— Russell Lucas wins three guineas:

Hi cats: Let's kick away with a sorta soul- wish for all the hungry daddyeos all over the world.

Keep swinging kids, the next jab could be around the corner. It's not exactly a rave being Queen either. Jeez, I'd rather be with the rest of the tribe up the Circus, smooth- ing pot-paper for a real cat, instead of tap- ping around Buckminster with the creeps. But, that's my scene and I've got to shuffle the boards until I'm incarnated into a bodd- hisatva or something.

I want all you chicks to play it cool. Don't ruffle the fuzz or weird it over the squares. Swing with circumspection cats and life will be a gas. Salutations Xmaswise daddys, dig the fellowship kids and let's all make with that hope and glory jag.

Big Queenie

'Final report by the Rt Hon Sir Nevile Henderson on the circumstances leading to the termination of his mission in Berlin, 20 September 1939'—hardly matter for `cant-' ing terms', but Steve Harris does his best and wins one guinea: Like man, I quite the Berlin scene, the Huns are mighty hung up on this Nazi kick. All the teeny bopper groupie types are blowing their minds sky high on an Adolf Hitler trip. Way out on a psychedelic dreamcloud, midway between Hegel and Nietzsche, real high on the race myth smuck, wow, some culture clash. S.S. croppies are pushing the snitch and getting uptight with the yids, man its not a groovy scene any more. Like, cool it Halifax baby, don't let Hitler hassle you. Grab this, soul brothers and sisters, kick out the Nazi jams!

Nevile Three guineas to Hilary Temple, who proves himself the soul of brevity: Mr Dunce of Swindell and Hoppit, Estate Agents and Auctioneers, delivers the quin- tessence of speech day addresses.

'Mr Chmn., Ids. & gntlmn., bys. Del. to be here tdy. in this des. det. schl., c.h., h & c., adj. plgrd. & buses. Cngrts. to przwnrs. hol. pse in hnr. of thr. achvmt.'

Honourable mentions to Ian Kelso, George van Schaicic, and, for some authentic rhyming slang, to Adam Khan and G. I. Blundell; a final four guineas for an excel- lent entry to Fergus Porter — the Queen's Christmas Message as drafted by the Civil Service: With reference to my speech QE2/25/12/68, I am informed that, consequent to the ex- pry of a period not less than twelve (12) months since the date of the speech above- mentioned, I am entitled to deliver, speak, or otherwise render in any manner which shall not be deemed to be singing or singing accompanied by dancing or any combina- tion of singing and dancing one (1) speech

which shall consist of those sentiments which shall be held to be most universally acceptable at the season, time, occasion or festival of Christmas when there shall be assembled together either in groups by fami- lies which shall be defined in accordance with section.. ,.