QUID PRO QUO
By W. E. WOOSNAM-JONES
" y SEE that they've stopped dropping bombs on one 1 another in Spain at last," said my Uncle Fred, looking up from his paper. " It says here that on their last three raids over Madrid the Insurgents dropped nothing but showers of white bread and Viennese rolls, to show the Madrilenos what they were missing by fighting for the Government. And then a few days later the Government machines raided the Insurgents and dropped showers of silk stockings and other articles of—er—feminine apparel, to show the Insurgents what nice things their women-folk were missing by not being on the other side. And so it's going on apparently. At the moment it says honours are about even."
" And a jolly good idea, too," I replied. " I remember dropping loads of pamphlets on the German back-areas in 1918, and wondering whether I'd be shot if I had a forced- landing, but I don't suppose anybody's ever thought of dropping Viennese rolls and silk stockings on the enemy before."
" And that," said my Uncle, beginning to fill his pipe, " is just where you're wrong, my boy. Did I ever tell you what happened when I was up in Rubenia after the War ? No ? Well, I was up in Rubenia on business—selling rather a clever contraption as a matter of fact—a motor street- watering machine which could be used as a fire-engine when necessary—just the thing for a hard-up country. I did pretty well on it, too, until the day when the President came to see it demonstrated. Rather bad luck that was. Half the big-wigs of Rubenia were there, and of course my fool of a driver pulled the wrong lever. Instead of watering the street he washed the President and all his Cabinet half way to Sweden. Mid-winter it was, too, and mighty cold. I left Rubenia that night.
" Anyhow, as I was telling you, I was in Rubenia when they were having all that trouble with Rupenia. You won't remember it now, but it was just after the War that Rubenia and Rupenia declared their independence simultaneously. Very proud of themselves, too, they were, with their National Flags and their National Anthems and their Representatives at Versailles and all the rest of it."
" Well," I said, " What was all the trouble about ? "
" Oh that," said my Uncle. " Very difficult situation. You see, they were really the same race, and spoke the same lingo, but they were terribly touchy and proud. They couldn't get on with one another, and yet they simply couldn't do without one another either. Rubenia had all the coal and iron and industries and things like that, but her soil, believe me or not, wouldn't grow so much as a turnip. And Rupenia, her next-door neighbour, hadn't got an ounce of coal or iron, but had wonderful fertile country, with miles and miles of cornfields and thousands of cattle and sheep." " Then why the dickens didn't they combine ? " I asked. " It was the obvious thing to do."
" Quite so," said my Uncle. " Both sides saw that quite clearly. But didn't I tell you that they were very proud and touchy? Rubenia was determined that the new com- bination should be called Rubenia, and nothing else. Rupenia was equally determined that, if they joined, the new territory should be called Rupenia or nothing. Neither side would compromise. And there they stuck. And nothing would shift 'em. Well, it went on getting worse and worse. There we all were, with barbed wire fences all along the frontier, and all the frontier posts closed, and each side more and more determined not to give in first, and all of us in Rubenia with lots of goods to buy and sell, but nothing much to eat, and all the Rupenians with no goods of any kind to buy or sell but with lots of things to eat, and the situation getting worse every day, and everybody wondering what was going to happen next, when one day all of a sudden a whole lot of Rupenian aeroplanes came over—don't ask me where they got 'em, I don't know—and down came showers of white bread and rolls just like in Spain the other day, bouncing and bumping all over the place, and hundreds of leaflets= Join Rupenia and eat white bread.' Well of course we'd been living on black bread for months, and pretty bad it was too, so that shook our people more than a bit ; but we weren't going to take it lying down, so next day at crack of dawn over went our machines loaded to capacity with bundles of overcoats and bales of cloth caps, and dumped the whole lot in Rupenia and showered down leaflets to Join Rubenia and Keep Warm.'
"We were still chuckling over that when the very next day the Rupenians came over again, and this time, believe me or not, they rained down thousands and thousands of new laid eggs on top of us, and hundreds of leaflets Join Rupenia and have eggs for tea.' You never saw such an almighty mess in all your life. It nearly broke our hearts, for we hadn't seen eggs for years. Of course we struck back, and over went our machines loaded with flat-irons and fountain- pens, but somehow it seemed a poor sort of an answer.
"And then they started silent night raiding, and when we got up in the morning there we were knee deep in oatmeal, with leaflets all over the place—' Join Rubenia and have porridge for breakfast.' They'd even dropped the porridge spoons as well. The next day over they came again, and this time they simply swamped us with thousands and thousands of gallons of milk. The roofs and the streets were streaming, and all the cats were mad for joy, because of course we hadn't seen milk for months, and our morale cracked wide open.
"Of course we kept on hammering away in return, but it was no use, and after we'd been bombed steadily for three days with fresh butter and new potatoes our folk were ready to give up the struggle and join Rupenia. And they would have, too, but for our President. A great man he was, although they say he was never quite the same after he'd inspected my water-cart. He loaded every machine we had with a cargo of lip-sticks and fine silk stockings, and we dumped the whole lot in Rupenia. That finished the war. The Rupenian ladies clamoured to join a country which could supply them with the simple necessities of life. Rupenia caved in, and became Rubenia the next day. And so ended the only civilised war I've ever been in, or heard of, for that matter. You should have seen the rejoicings. I wasn't sober for a week. A great country, Rubenia."
" So I should think," I said. " It's a pity that certain other countries to-day don't adopt Rubenian methods. It would make Europe much more comfortable to live in. By the way, where exactly is Rubenia ? I'd rather like to go there next year for my holidays." " Ah," said my Uncle. " I'm afraid you can't do that. They made a big mistake not long ago. They agreed to have their frontiers peacefully rectified, so of course you won't find Rubenia on the map now."
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