An election ABC

Abstention: an inability to choose the lesser of two evils.

Balance: a statutory method of arranging television programmes to favour the other party.

Common Market: the gun you didn't know was loaded.

Democracy: the idea that the opinion of the fool next door is worth as much as your own.

Extremist: anyone who takes a different view.

Funds: the life of the party.

God: only mentioned when no other explanation seems likely to be accepted.

Hustings: a fence with seats.

Inflation: when you never had it so good but can't keep it.

Jealousy: the congratulations offered a winning candidate by a losing one. Keynote: a speech, largely composed of abstract nouns, made before the campaign gets dirty.

Life peerage: an honour designed to change the subject.

Mandate: something hoped for by governments but only got by girls.

Nomination: naming the candidates who stand for what their parties think you will fall for.

Opinion poll: a reflection of the views of people with nothing better to do. Propaganda: a contrary view expressed so persuasively that it annoys you.

Quotation: a statement wisely attributed to someone else in case events prove it wrong.

Record: a conspiracy to suppress the facts.

Strikes: labour pains designed to produce softer berths.

Taxation: robbery without violence. Unity: a call for the other party to agree with you. Vision: a quality attributed to politicians who guess right. Women: the plural of whim. X: a mark of resignation. Yesterday: when the party didn't do what it will do tomorrow.

Zeal: what it will display tomorrow but didn't yesterday. him wipe out Jeremy Thorpe's majority.

Mr Thorpe is spending virtually all his time in the constituency to counter a Conservative effort that includes speeches in every hamlet, and visits by the Home Secretary, Robert Carr, and the Leader of the House, James Prior. Mr Thorpe has called for a review of industrial development and a priority for housing. He also supports the planned new roads to stop traffic spoiling the life of the town. Mr Keigwin is backing the Conservative line but he is calling for supplementary benefits to be withdrawn from strikers' families and a greater output of home grown food. It is neck-and-neck.

Mr Machin is on the staff of the North Devon Journal-Herald.