Susan Crosland
THE luxuriously converted VC-10 flew from Heathrow to Bermuda where Britan- nia was parked in the bay. Privacy ranks top of my pleasures: except for lunch and dinner, the Foreign Secretary and I stayed in our suite, only footmen appearing from time to time. Because I don't get seasick, I rather enjoyed the Force 9 gale — unlike the royal consort whose face was ashen at that night's dinner which was concluded rather hastily.
As I am a fainter, especially when standing on one spot for an aeon or walking slowly, I knew that the royal tour would be a test as well as a treat. On its eve I asked the Queen how she stands for untold hours without tiring. 'One plants one's feet apart like this,' said Her Majes- ty, hoicking her skirt above her ankles to demonstrate. 'Always keep them parallel. Make sure your weight is evenly distri-
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buted. That's all there is to it.'
When Britannia entered Philadelphia's harbour, we were met by the 105 degree heat and 110 degree humidity that char- acterise the east coast in July. I have never in my life experienced anything as punishing as the bicentennial celebration that followed. By day three I was a shadow of my former self.
That night's do was the Queen's return banquet for President Ford. In the 45 minutes allotted to bath and change into my most formal finery, sweat poured. When the ten of us sat down at the top table, television arc lamps added another ten degrees of heat. We began our soup. It tasted foul — surprising, really, given that the British ambassadress had devoted six months to preparing for this evening. Then I realised the problem was not with the soup: I was going to faint. I reached for my smelling salts. They didn't work. I turned in my seat to look for some way to exit.
The Queen's favourite footman, stand- ing behind her two places away, saw the colour of my face, I suppose, because he stepped over with a large bottle and said: `When Her Majesty is unwell, Madam, she sometimes finds that Malvern Water helps.'
`Show me the nearest door. Quickly.'
It was a swinging door, so when I fainted against it, I fell face down in the next room and broke my jaw. Still, not everyone gets to stay in the President's suite at the top of Bethesda Hospital.
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