Competition

No. 1070: Do it yourself

Set by Pat Blackford: Robert Frost wrote a poem about mending a wall, so in this do-it-yourself age can we have, say, Wordsworth on repairing a fuse, Gerard ManleY Hopkins mending his car gear-box, Herrick on making a wardrobe, Browning rewiring his house or Milton on planting a new lawn. Limit 16 lines. Entries to 'Competition No. 1070' by 9 July.

No. 1067: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: Titles of novels and plays are often lifted from the pages of Shakespeare. Competitors were asked to reverse the process by supplying a mock' Shakespearian speech containing at least ten titles which owe nothing to Shakespeare. Some competitors exercised themselves in stuffing in as many titles as they could not necessarily an assurance of success, though I thought John Sweetman justified his twenty-four: (Enter LORD HOWARD) Lord Jim! I haste, summoned by bells, the chimes A tocsin from the towers of Trebizond Wherein a group of noble dames, kidnapped By Kim, the warden, once our mutual frien'!, Lie chained, for he denies the rights of man. These are hard times in truth when wives and

daughters,

The well-beloved friends of Princess Ida, Are treated thus. The Countess Cathleen, she

Whose riches nearsurpassthe wealth of nations, Requires the aid of sons and lovers, all Stout men-at-arms and soldiers. Three days hence Shall we assault the castle, so withdraw The sword of honour and prepare for war. If victory may not our cause attend, Then mortal strife shall bring Lord Howard's end,

Working the titles in without their appearing obvious is, of course, the nub of the problem — apart from producing some Passable blank verse. (The sonnets submitted were considered but, aside from not beingspeeches, none came up to prize level.) Not satisfied with this, some entrants painted the lily by relating their verses to a specific situation in one of the plays. Here W. May Byron particularly shone: (Were the following 16 lines Shakespeare's first draft for Hamlet's soliloquy at the end of Act 3 Scene 2? If so, he very properly discarded them in favour of the present version.) Now to my mother. Courage, heart, do not Look back in anger, but press forward to The goal. Speak daggers to her, yet forswear Their use. 0 God, can you forgive her crime, And punishment withhold? The Lady's not For burning yet. Give me the words to prove The depths of infamy to which she stoops, r_o conquer, with plain truth, proud vanity. pair looks are foul when faithlessly bestowed. Mother, be marble at the festive board, lee in the bedroom, absent in his arms; And the man do thou entirely abjure! Cancel

all vows. 0 must your son beg on

His knees for this? Would that persuasion Had more proper pride, and prejudice more sense,

And sensibility more discipline! and also Laurence Fowler:

LEAR: Send the man within. No room for fathers? And children give a dusty answer? No, Not all her pride and prejudice hold back ,MY firm intent to enter this bleak house. dave I forsworn the corridors of power ut to deny my old mortality A Place to rest? Black mischief in her eyes, The wuthering heights of her rash choler soar Iligh o'er the eagle's nest, I'll not be prey, Or list me in the acceptance world

Where kings are bondmen. Crime and ,Punishment

`-'0 hand in hand: her crime to spurn, her fee house the naked and the dead, should I

"emand it, night and day. Come, my good fool!

These two, together with John Sweetman, win five pounds each. The other entries printed win three pounds each. BY the way, it's a help to the poor judge if Competitors underline (preferably) or Otherwise indicate their titles. Most do, but 8:31fle don't, and it does save time in identifying unfamiliar titles.

HOW hard times breed the plague that we call lust, Wake the white devil in the heart of man, Venus observed. One glimpse of her bright arms And the man leaps to leave the constant wife. ?.,ays to his sons and lovers fare you well, Hunts the rainbow for the crock of gold. rlunts visions in the shadow of the glen.

What every woman knows is that a man Cannot be hers in chancery, that the plague Dogs men from cradle to the unquiet grave. See how they run, when Venus in some guise Calls them to give her their most private lives. (Paul Griffin)

DUKE: Ffaith, are they not alike? FOOL: Ay, my lord, Like the moon and sixpence, or the sea-wolf And milady's dog; that is, in no wise Save in outward trim. The heart of the matter Is as contrary as the scarlet and the black. Can the rabbit redux run like the hare, Or the lion in winter's fur turn ermine? ihe magus and the shepherd saw a star — But what o' that? And were they then alike? Who can say that the wild swans at Coole will

fly

Where eagles dare? Nay, good my lord ... DUKE: Go to, thou fool, go to. But hark! I

hear

The wind in the willows, and we must begone. (Peter Norman) (Claudius has received a letter chiding him for his lack of ambition.)

CLAUDIUS: I, Claudius, would go where eagles dare, Where kingfishers catch fire, and the wild duck, The trumpet-major of the golden bough, Summons the birds to larkrise and the day. Lord of the rings I'd be, of Jupiter And Mars, forever amber; of the spheres Whose music fills the arches of the years Making the universe around us rich with song, For 0, my son, my son!, fame is the spur That pricks me on to kill a mocking-bird That jeers within, 'Claudius the god, the moon Is a balloon! Venus observed is trash! The birds fall down to quill an imperial pen Which scarce could write a requiem for a

wren!'

Lord of the flies shall I no longer be — But Livia calls for tea and sympathy.

(M. Fanning)