COMPETITION
Dizzy spells
Jaspistos
IN Competition No. 1472 you were asked for an extract from a pupil's essay full of amusing mis-spellings.
I was looking for plausible mis-spellings, the sort a pupil might just commit, rather than lunatic ingenuities like `constitch- ewchannel' and lewriouslee' or malaprop- isms or mis-hearings. Those of you who mis-spelled every other word (Russell Lucas) only produced gobbledygook as hard to decipher as the obscurest passage in Finnegans Wake. `Pawchergle' for Por- tugal, ‘rococoa', 'share-a-bang' and `snobe- linedness' were particularly delightful how- lers. Peter Brierly began well with 'Winter sports in Britain can be summerised brief- ly' and Paul Griffin ended an account of St Paul's adventure charmingly, when the disciples 'lured him down the wall with a biscuit; and off he went to jeroozle them'. I also enjoyed Charles Lyall: Plicemen mantan lore and ordure. A croaked coper is the werst kind of man sez the old prohubarb'; T. Griffiths: 'Wen your old you get Old Timers disease and a sickened childhood'; and M. A. Okolotowicz: 'A flour cellar is delewded by a self-scented geyser (Enry Iggins) into thinking that she can talk porsche.'
The winners below have £15 each, and the bonus bottle of Mumm's Cordon Bleu Champagne, the gift of Mr Gaston Berle- mont, is Bill Anderson's.
It was an idle day for our tripe round some of the toorest sites of London. First we saw Nelson's colon touring over his loins in Trafalgar Sq. Then we went into some of the sodded streets of Soho. Mummy said we must take care as theirs lodes of cyclepaths in this airier. We washed some poeple eating in a Chineese restrant out of reel Chineese bowels. Daddy was waisting time outside a shope wondering wether he should by us all some strip teas, but changed his mind when Mummy retched us up. Theirs lots of sinemas in Soho too. Then we mauved to Convent Garding where you can see bally dancers like Newry F. but we didn't. Daddy incested we vizit the howses of palimeant where the prim minster mikes all her impotent desi- tions. Soon it was time for home, but Charring Cross was closet becaus of a bumb scar.
(Bill Anderson) Hamlit is a prinse but Ofelia isent a prinses. Hamlits fathers been kild by his unkle and now hes a goast warking the battelmints. He wants Hamlit to revendge him but Hamlit can never deside to hacked. This makes him exstreamly deprest. Ofelia luvs him but he tells her to go be a none, insted hes all mixt up abought his muther. He says that hes only mad when the wind blaze, but this shoze that thinks our werse than he thinks. In the end he merdes hart the carst starting with Paul Onius, the old man whose behined the arass, with is a curtin.
Shakepeer is a good riter because he can understand evryone, even mad peeple. A trajidy is when you have a fatle floor. Hamlit has menny floors, so this is a trajick storey.
(Carole Angier) Mrs Thatcher is bossy and keeps a tite grip on the cabernet. She picks the electshun date and asks the queen for a disilusion. Resently she was cross with Mr Right for saying there were bugs in number ten that needed infestigation. Mr Kinnock is ]aber leader and has trouble with newclear defence and the left wing millitons. He says the long doll cues are Mrs Thatcher's forte, but the row about black sexshuns is effecting laber's rattings at the poles. The allions want propulsional representation. They say our elec- trule system is unfair. Mum says all the parties are mail shovinists but dad says she is a rabied femernist. I am going to be an annakissed when I grow up but now I am still a miner so I cant
vote. (D. J. Payne)
The guessed-lissed would be so long, I think we'd have to higher a mark-E. Invertations would specify mourning cloths for the men. We could use our porch for my attendance but my father and I would depart in a dignified black murk. My dress wouldn't be too awnate as I dont approve of a lot of bridle parafinalier but I'd like a nice bowkay of pail-pink freezeyers and orkids. I hope my groom would see I to I over the music! The first him would proberbly be 'Love devine'. I'd like Shoebert's `Arvay Maria' and Batehoven's 'Furry Leaves' while we're signing the registrar. We will march out to that oreinspiring Handle tune (I think it's from `Judy Smackobeers'). The pughs would be full of our friends all jewy-eyed! Meanwile, back in the mark-E, evrything would be reddy — including a magnificently deckerated cake with three tears. (D. B. Jenkinson) Archimedes liked messing about with leavers and wondered how he could make a bolder move. He was specially interested in menstrua- tion. He is best remembered for the time he got really excited in his bath and shouted, 'You reeker!' A Roman soldier saw him and put him to the sod. • Pythagoras was the man who took Adol Essents behind a curtain to show him unusual things that he wasn't to tell anyone else about, especially the high pot in use. Pythagoras is sometimes called the Father of Trickonometry, and no wonder. We will be doing trickonometry next year and then we can work out all about
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