SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 90

Report by Lewis' Petrie

A prize of L5 was offered for Private Persons' Bills for putting down irritations and petty injustices of daily life.

Daily life—to judge from the way competitors rose to this occasion pis one long irritation, one unmitigated injustice. One or two, rather missing the point, wanted to forbid open fires, bring down prices or regulate the opening of windows in buses ; but most were dead on the target. And what variety ! Apart from the bore- hunters—who seem, alas ! to have been slightly infected by their quarry—there were scarcely two attacks on the same nuisance. The general standard was high, and I think I had best, like a good Speaker, leave would-be legislators to promote their own causes. (But_let them not think, as apparently does the mover of the Spectator Competitions [Exclusion of Certain Competitors] Bill, that selection has been governed, like that of Private Members' Bills in the House of Commons, by ballot.) I recommend a first prize of £2 for Edward Blishen and three second prizes of £1 for Wol, D. L. L. Clarke and G. E. Assinder (who points out that " Private Bills are very rare these days, and I rather think that legislation such as you have in mind would be embodied in a Statutory Instrument. On a plea of verisimilitude, therefore, I have put my entry in Order form, although indeed it might well be a transport bye-law "). Commended: Michael James, K. G. Webb, M. C. Renwick, Stirling Everard, Allan M. Laing, W. Bernard Wake, N. Hodgson and H. Elam.

FIRST PRIZE

(EDWARD BLISHEN) THE INFURIATING COMMENTS (PROHIBITION OF WRITING IN PUBLIC LIBRARY BOOKS) Acr. The scribbling of comments ia the margins of public library books, in pen, pencil, blood, or any other material whatsoever, is forbidden. Every library nook on return to its library of origin shall in the presence of the borrower be minutely inspected for infringements of this law by an official to be known as the Margins Anti-Disfiguration Officer. Where infringements are found, penalties shall be imposed on summary con- viction according to the following scale:—

Expressions of disagreement with the author: £10 and disqualification from holding a library ticket for a period not exceeding one year Rude comments of any description: £5 and endorsement of library ticket, with an additional £1 for each exclamation mark • Corrections of words which are in fact correctly spelled: £5 ; Corrections of obvious misprints: £3 ; References back or forward to other pages in an attempt to prove the author guilty of inconsistency: £3 ;

Other comments (telephone numbers, recipes, etc.): £1.

SECOND PRIZES (Wm) An ACT for the alleviation of the miseries of the citizens of this Realm ; by the alteration of the Calendar.

PREAmx,E.—Whereas His Majesty's subjects are gravely afflicted in sundry and manifold ways, and any alleviation of this is utterly desirable: and that they are more especially injured both in mind and

(D. L. L. CLARKE.) THE TROUSERS (PROHIBITION OF SUPPLY TO FEMALES) BILL A Bill. TO restrict the supplying to females for wearing whether in public- or private of two-legged netherwear (external) as hereinunder specified by whomsoever and by whatsoever means provided to the exclusion of nightwear commonly designated pyjamas.

WHEREAS decency requires that the female form (human) be modestly clad ; and whereas by reason of nature's bountiful provision it is deemed unbecoming that certain contours of the aforesaid form be outlined by the wearing of male nether garments, viz.: trousers, trews, breeches, daks or slacks, hereinafter termed trousers ; and whereas the scandalous practice, adopted to the detriment of their distinguishing femininity and the diminution of their charms, of wearing trousers, may lead females to aspire to wearing the trousers ; be it therefore enacted that no vendor or bestower whatsoever shall henceforth for any consideration provide by sale or gift or otherwise dispose of any pair of trousers whether short, long or half-mast, to any female ; that any male committing or condoning such offence be himself debarred from wearing trousers on all Sundays ; and that any female procuring or providing the said trousers be compelled to wear hobble skirts for the rest of her waking natural life.

(G. E. ASSINDER.)

KNITTING ON PUBLIC VEHICLES ORDER.

In pursuance of subsection 83 of section 9 of the Transport Act 1947 and all other powers enabling them in that behalf, the Minister of Transport and the Minister of Education hereby make the following Order : — (1) The • Order may be cited as the Knitting on Public. Vehicles Order 1951.

(2) (i) In this Order the following expressions have the meanings hereby assigned to them: " Year " means a period of 12 months. "Knitting " means knitting under the purposes of the Order.

(ii) The Interpretation Act 1889 (D) shall apply.

(3) It is hereby ordered that any person who utilises knitting needles (steel or otherwise) on a public vehicle in a -manner likely to cause discomfort to any person (hereinafter called the knittee) knitted at, provided that the knitting or other motion of knitting (or sewing, embroidery, stitching or other form of knotting, e.g. sail-making) is as defined by Section 4 Pins & Needles Act 1887, such person will be subjected to a fine not exceeding five shillings and a probationary period of one year for the first offence and a fine of one thousand pounds for the second offence because the writer of this order is sick of the whole thing and hopelessly bogged down anyway. body on such days as when they are returning td their toils after a period of idleness, upon which days the most loathsome and menial of tasks appear to accumulate, to the detriment of mental satisfaction and public conduct: BE IT THEREFORE ENACTED that Mondays be henceforth completely and totally abolished, done away with, and destroyed, and shall hence- forth cease to have any existence or significance whatever, and that the day after Sunday shall henceforth be Tuesday, upon which day it shall be altogether unlawful to do the work hitherto done upon Mondays.

THIS BILL may be quoted as the " Abolition of Mondays (Introduction of Millennium) Bill."