YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary..
Q. You know what it's like — rush, rush, rush, straight out of the office and you are meant to be in your seat 50 minutes later. Rush, rush, rush, through the streets, into the lobby in the nick of time, then you hear the words, 'Sorry, we'll have to check your briefcase, sir.' Over to the counter, flipping nonchalantly the obligatory brass combina- tion locks of my old New & Lingwood briefcase. 'Can I look inside, sir?' said the attendant. Stupidly in the rush I had left my glasses inside the case (along with my cards, passport, ticket and French francs for my journey the following day). 'I'm sorry, I can't see to open it,' I said. 'Well, tell me the numbers and I will open it for you.' This he proceeded to do and I proceeded to fret my way through the performance whilst imagining a general share-out in the lobby. What should I have done?
D.J., London SW11 A. You could have pretended that your insurance company forbade such a divul- gence to a security attendant, and enlisted instead the assistance of another member of the public who would have no access to the case's contents after you had discreetly supervised his opening of it. Q. I would be grateful if you could solve this long-term family problem. As you know, you cannot choose your relations! I am particularly unlucky with regards to my sister-in-law. We try not to see each other too often, i.e., once every four years. The last invitation was typical — at dinner it was difficult to keep up civilised conversation since everything I said was either wrong or contradicted. At one point the conversa- tion, as usual, turned to her two boys' au pair. I said to my sister-in-law that she never seems happy with any au pair and, having read in an excellent Spectator article in the past that an au pair or nanny proba- bly costs her total salary, I quoted this fact. She said, 'Do you want to pick a fight?' and I replied, 'Yes!' At that point I wished I could have shown off my newly acquired boxing skills, but before I could put on my gloves she said, getting up and pointing fiercely at me, 'Well, you can jolly well go upstairs to bed then!' So I did, since I thought it rather novel to be sent to bed with no supper at the age of 41. What do you think I should do at the next encounter in four years' time? Should I appear at the dinner table already wearing my pyjamas?
U.S., Address withheld A. As it is clearly your sister-in-law who wishes to pick a fight, why not outwit her at your next meeting by agreeing with every- thing she says? This form of passive aggres- sion should prove far more satisfactory than actually winning an intellectual argu- ment with her. However, to safeguard your- self against any physical violence, which you might trigger by your new agreeability, it may be best to preclude such an attack by coming to the dinner with your arm in a If you have a problem, write to Dear Mary, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, Lon- don WC1N 2LL.
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