COMPETITION

The final solution

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2107 you were invited to write a poem or piece of prose entitled 'The End of the Detective', either beginning or ending with the words, 'He died while filling in 21 across.'

I am aching with anagrams, crucified by cryptic clues, paralysed by palindromes. Crosswords loomed larger than death in most of your entries, as Holmes, Trent, Morse et al met their peculiar ends. To my surprise there were more poems than prose pieces, but in distributing the prizes I decided to give both equal weight. Commendations to Mary Holtby, Alanna Blake, Paul Griffin and Anne Du Croz. The winners, printed below, get £25 each, and the Macallan Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to David Barton. 'Strange reverse for the German crime' (6). Delightedly, Morse entered the word 'murder' in the Police Gazette crossword, for, although he had a reputation as an enthusiast, this was the first clue he had ever solved. To date, all the puz- zles he so carefully had left lying about had been completed with the distinct advantage of the answers in the following day's paper, a ruse that fooled his colleagues and shrouded him with an aura of intellectual superiority. Overcome by his new prowess, he tackled another: 'Repetitive

greeting by a constable' (5, 5, 5,), but, having written the first 'hallo', he was interrupted by a stabbing pain in his chest. Automatically, he called out for Lewis, but knew this was some- thing he'd have to deal with on his own.

'Yes,' announced the perspicacious Lewis, as he eventually gave up on the rest of its answer, 'he died while filling in 21 across.'

(David Barton) He died while filling in 21 across — a major pro- cedural problem to CID Operations, where the Times Prize Crossword was a team matter. It breached their professional code to assume DI Higgins's role — he had first stab at across clues — while his corpse was still warm, but to delay passing the down clues to DI Mortlake would mean missing the post and the possibility of win- ning. It was a straightforward heart attack, with no

suspicion of foul play (unless raised excitement at a speedy solution to 13 across was a contributory factor), according to the scene of crime officer. It was DI D'Eath who consulted Forensics, and deciding that, as no one had witnessed the fatal 21 across, the time of death could only be fixed within a 60-minute period, and that they could deem Higgins alive provided they could finish the puzzle before rigor mortis set in. Their subsequent win paid for a handsome wreath. (D.A. Prince) He died while filling in 21 across: 'So leaves trou- bles to be sorted out by servant'. Six letters. With pen in hand the great man succumbed to the arsenic I had slipped into his after-dinner camomile tea. It was a method he had once sug- gested to me himself. Arsenic, he said, was a poi- son that many people could neither taste nor smell. How very unfortunate it was that he of all detectives should have been chosen to investigate the so-called 'Chambermaid Murders'. I had fol- lowed his progress with growing concern and yes — admiration. And all the time I thought how strange it was that of all people he should have placed his confidence in me. I filled in the remaining letters myself, in a passable image of his hand. 'Butler'. Then I called the police and set about finding myself another job. (Jill Green) He died while filling in 21 across.

It was his last light in more sense than one. For sleuthing work he didn't give a toss. Completing crosswords was a lot more fun.

He was a master of the cryptic clue;

The Guardian and the Times were life and breath

To one who never solved a case, but knew That 'twisted, hated end' worked out as 'death'.

He kept his clients waiting while he sat In contemplation of an anagram. Nobody ever loved him but his cat, Theophilus. He never gave a damn.

He lay there several days, serenely dead, The crossword incomplete but not the life, Theophilus impatient to be fed.

One hopes he has not gone where fire is rife.

(G.M. Davis) He died while filling in 21 across, An appropriate end and, frankly, no loss To his mates in the Force, for he never quite rid His head of that mind-rotting black-and- white grid. He told me he'd caught this consuming dis- ease From a sinister geezer he called Ximenes. So, if a young copper would ask his advice, The answers, if any, were cryptic, concise, And if he was silent, you'd know by his frown He was totally focused on 17 down.

When meant to be grilling some evil old lag, Half his mind would be working on Crow dross (anag).

But despite his addiction to word-play abuse, And spending his life on the wrong kind of clues, The lads had this headstone most tastefully done:

A king gets back letter from Greece (1,1,1).

(Noel Petty)

No. 2110: Without prejudice

Sydney Smith jestingly claimed that he never read a book before reviewing it — 'it preju- dices a man so'. You are invited to provide a review of an imaginary book (maximum 150 words) by a writer who, though he may have glanced at the blurb, dedication or index, hasn't read a word of the text. Entries to 'Competition No. 2110' by 4 November.