YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I recently moved into a new flat to begin the university year. I discovered on arrival that one of my flatmates had opened the entire mail mountain formed while the flat had remained empty. A mere fraction of this heap was, in fact, addressed to us. After questioning his ungentlemanly behaviour and chewing over the legality of the situation he showed me some interesting correspon- dence. He had discovered two invitations for a wedding in Ireland. We found that neither of us had anything pressing on the weekend in question, so we hastily found partners, replied and made inquiries with Ryan Air. We would be grateful, Mary, if you would suggest to us a plan of action if, or more probably when, we are exposed.
L.R, Edinburgh
A. Clearly you have made the mistake of replying under the names of the intended guests. If so, write again in different hand- writing, this time replying under your real names, but giving no clue as to your address- es. Your names will be added to the list by the puzzled organisers and seating arrange- ments made for you. If challenged on arrival at the festivities, simply act daft. Say you received the invitations, weren't quite sure who they were from but didn't like to hurt the feelings of whoever had invited you. Everyone is very friendly in Ireland and, in any case, people of your age-group tend to think that such pranks are hilariously funny,
particularly if the perpetrators come to the wedding bearing armfuls of chunky presents.
Q. I was standing on Kensington High Street tube station the other day when I spotted someone I had known fortysomething years ago when she came out at the same time as me. I didn't know her that well at the time and hadn't seen her at all in the intervening period. In fact, she had changed so much, in the way that women do when their hair goes grey, that I wouldn't have recognised her at all had her face not been splashed all over the press a few years ago when she was accused and acquitted of murdering her for- mer husband. I always felt she had been unfairly demonised but I thought it would be in some way incorrect for me to say hello, since to do so would be a tacit allusion to her notoriety. I would not have been able to put a name to her face otherwise and she would certainly not have been able to put one to mine. However, she came and stood very close to me and I sensed a vague recognition
from her. It seemed a shame to deny her the chance of some chitchat. What should I have done, Mary?
J.W., London W8
A. You could have pretended you had mis- taken her for someone else, saying, 'Oh, hello — aren't you my granddaughter Emily's piano teacher?' then quickly giving your own full name as it was when you last met and dropping some other names of mutual friends from the 1950s, pretending all these were clients of the same piano teacher. This would have given her the chance to either take up your proffered baton of friendship, saying, 'Oh, no, I'm not a piano teacher, but I do know those other people you mention. You know me because I'm —', or stage a cover-up as she saw fit.
Q. I have a friend who, when you admire something she is wearing, always lies about how much it cost. Then you go along to the same shop yourself, really excited at the thought of the bargain you are going to get, only to find that instead of £20 it costs £70. How can I punish her?
J.V.S., London SW12
A. Next time bait her into confession by say- ing, 'Yes, it is really nice; the only trouble is, it does look as though it cost only £20.'
Mary Killen
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