Political Commentary

Unsolicited communications

Hugh Macpherson

Mr Reginald Maudling has performed a signal service o the political world by publishing the memorandum he would have submitted to the Cabinet if a few little local difficulties had not precipitated his departure from that august body. No doubt his idea will start a fashion so this unworthy scribe, diligent to the end in the service of the readers, has obtained a few fragments from similar communications. The first came from Lord Longford to the Shadow Cabinet.

" My Dear Brothers in God, as you know I am much too humble to push my views upon you. Yet the other day, as I processed with the other Knights of the Garter into the Chapel at Windsor, I pondered the fact that reticence must be overcome and boldness take the place of humility. First I want you to give earnest consideration to the possibility of making my anti-pornography report the basis of the Labour Manifesto for the next election.

" I know many of you think that I have become a little bogged down in these studies, and, indeed, a year or more with one's desk overflowing with all this filth has been trying. Just what would happen if any of it should fall into the hands of innocent young men such as Tony Benn or Douglas Jay I do not know.

"Naturally you have been a little concerned with unemployment, prices, inflation, industrial relations, the Common Market, Rhodesia, Ugandan Asians and so one. But I do beseech you to help to stem the tide of filth which is sweeping over the land and you will have the powerful support of myself, Malcolm, and Mary.

"Perhaps I could say a humble word about the Ugandan Asians. They are our Christian brothers and we should certainly pray for them. But would they not be an excellent subject for one of Tony Benn's referendums? (I am so glad that, having divested himself of worldly titles, Tony has now dropped his rather pretentious middle name. My own titles I find a burden but then they help the cause.) In the meantime you, Harold, have a country place, Jim has a farm and I have some little property. There are excellent Christian precedents for staying in the barn you know...

Next there was an extract from a memo sent to the Cabinet by Lord Eccles, Minister for the Arts: "I dp wish the Cabinet would stop assisting me in making a fool of myself in public. Museum charges have been a big enough burden, especially since Willie Whitelaw will have to invoke the emergency powers to enact it in Northern Ireland and Christopher is going round giving away millions whilst I save pennies.

"But the decision, which I myself had to announce, that the Sadler's Wells Opera Company cannot call itself the National Opera, is really a bit absurd. I know it upsets Lord Drogheda and the others at Covent Garden but it does not seem to have slipped into anyone's head that although he might be Knight of the Garter and all that, we have got a full belted Royal Earl to deal with at Sadler's Wells. If the PM does insist, I will make the St Martin's Lane lot put on more life-enhancing performances of Fidetio (which they have already done), but he simply cannot go traipsing around Munich attending performances by the company of an opera by Benjamin Britten about Queen Elizabeth sung by white Commonwealth singers in English and pretend that it is not a national company. . . ."

An interesting extract from Lord George Brown's epistle to the Shadow Cabinet has also come to hand: "Brothers . . . well I did it my way, and I'm keeping right on to the end of the road, singing in the rain, but I thought you would like a few words from an old chap now — yes, we're all getting old — about our troubles. Something's gotto be done about those Ugandan Asians and the root of the trouble is Sergeant-Major Amin. That's the clue brothers — Sergeant-Major Amin. He's one of us. I might be white (or Brown!), he might be black — but he's been in our army and he's one of us . . . .

"Do you know what I would do if Sophie and I were still in the FO? I would go out there and take with me some of the chaps who understand Sergeant-Majors. Mad Mitch, George Wigg, Manny ShinwelI, Gerald Nabarro and I would sit round the table, have a few refreshments, and I would say Minnie, Minnie, you've been coming the old soldier, you have. Minnie, I've been frank with a few great statesmen like yourself — Khrushchev and Bulganin and Lord Thomson and even Harold! I would say, 'Minnie, I've pushed a barrow you know . . . I have . . neither Harold nor the others have. But you and I have. . . "

A valuable document which is included in my researches is the report from Mr Geoffrey Rippon to the Cabinet on the latest state of Market relations: "Let me be quite frank — it is an illwind that blows no good and if you consider the state of the Market then there is something to be said for, the row over the Asians. They are at least a diversion. It looks as if Norway is going to say 'No' on the 25th and Denmark will follow on the 2nd. I suppose we will have to put up with some more from Wilson about 'fullhearted co-operation' and all that nonsense but it doesn't look good. Benn and Powell could get together to demand a referendum here, for the Scandinavian results come just before the party conferences.

"I do not think that the Norwegians will be much of a miss, with their penchant for charging up and down mountains, but the Danish night life was very promising. That's part of the trouble, for the night life in France has been too fulfilling. With all this stuff about brothels in Lyons, and corruption in Paris it is simply too much . . ."

Finally a valuable scrap from Mr Enoch Powell's communication to the Cabinet in a free English translation from the original Greek: "I hesitate to offer advice for I know that as far as the Cabinet is concerned I am a voice crying in the wilderness. But it is the voice of the people of Britain, a voice that has been heard whenever the invader threatened the land — whether from within or without. My views — nay their views — on this tide are well known and will, despite the direst warnings, go unheeded. But even as one alien danger threatens us, then another — perhaps taking comfort from our weakness — gathers courage and threatens our way of life.

"I refer, of course, to the white invaders of the North, the Icelanders, who threaten the British Cod. The enemy within, of course, counsels reticence, a journey to the international organisations.

"But must the people of Nelson and Raleigh stand by whilst aliens from the North cut the very fishing lines of our vessels? Will our weak-kneed leaders have the courage even to send, or persuade the Icelandic population of Britain to go home? Will the Magnus Magnussons flourish in Edinburgh and work for the BBC whilst the honest people of the North gaze at empty fish frying pans?

"In the words of Horace . . . quicquid delirant reges plectuntur Achivi, and I must tell the Cabinet the call will come . . ."