Westminster Corridors
Lately, as you must know, our Town has been infected throughout with a veritable Epidemick of GloomandLamentation. Even my good friend, Sir Simon, as good-humoured a Fop as ever downed 6 bots. of Claret at a sitting, gave his Opinion that if we could choose but between Footpads and the Blowers of Bubbles for our Governors, then he would as soon live among the Hottentots — nor is Sir Simon a man of liberal Temper.
Now these melancholy Reflections had perhaps lain dormant but for the chance that Sir Simon and I, strolling down St. James's thoroughfare, were attracted by much Hubbub and Chatter to enter the fine Town-house erected, under the Protection of Her Majesty, for the Entertainment of our Brethren from the Colonies. Wherein was gathered a Multitude, composed of both Sexes but principally of the Male, from near and outlying Districts of this Island, whose Sobriety of Dress, Deportment and Talk pronounced them to be drawn exclusively from the Middling Class of Society — who are, it is daily alleged, threatened with extreme Perils of every Variety and Description. Inquiry revealed them to be local Champions of the Tory Cause — though the entire Absence of Gentlemen would have served to conceal this Intelligence from any but the most brazen Nose.
Be it known to you, moreover, that the talk therein was of Revolution and Upheaval — it being freely complained behind the Hand that their Generals, shorn of the Appurtenances and Distinctions of Secretaryship, had been detected by All as the saddest, sorriest, most ill-fortuned Mediocrities to infest Parliament these twentyfive years. Yet, whenever one of these scorned Wretches chanced to appear on a Stage before them, his Arrival invariably occasioned loud Cries of Loyalty and Approbation — until, having departed to echoing Applause, his Reputation was again subjected to Stern Abuse and caustic Mockery. 'Tis said that Savages thus treat Kings whom presently they mean to Kill. But of that more anon. Much Indignation of a Sharp Nature was especially aroused by the frank Admission of Master Robert Carr that the bold Stratagems of Those among his Supporters who would see more Idleness among Artisans caused him to shiver in his Shoes.
"That is of no consequence," •quoth a sly young Spark by my right Hand, "For the List of Horrors that would fright Master Carr to the Point of Palpitation is all but infinite — and does indeed encompass his own past Opinions." "Our amusement at this Sally was at once distracted by the Sound of Woe and Wailing from outside in the Street, where a puritan Procession, clad in sackcloth and annointed with ashes, marched in file behind a renowned Scholar in the Oeconomical Sciences at our Town University, one Professor Alan Walters, himself caterwauling loudest of All and holding aloft a Banner on which some Hand had inscribed the minatory Words "Money is the Root of All Evil." After which came four Industrious Apprentices, Masters English, Ridley, Alison and Bruce-Gardyne, calling all Manner of Doom upon the Populace unless Strict Principles of Thrift and Restraint were observed by Men of Affairs et al.
Yet did none of these forecasts of Armageddon provoke in me even one tenth as much alarm and despondency as the cloudy Optimism of a poor deluded Fanatique whom we chanced to encounter upon the Millbank — but Who nevertheless possessed Temerity enough to press upon us an ill-printed Tract entitled -treatise upon the Regeneration of Our Industries by Means of the Publick Purse, the Advice of Artisans, the Spirit of Enthusiasm and Spontaneous Levitation — these Principles, or so he claimed, having already been applied and tested with such Success in Companies for the Building of Water-and Air-borne Vehicles that they were now judged ripe, even by their Owners, for Mangement by Statesmen — or by such as presently claim that Title.
But could even Chuck-farthing and Shufflecap assent in any great Measure to these wild Delusions?
Tom Puzzle
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