NAME-DROPPING FOR BEGINNERS

The publisher of Burke's Peerage promised Sarah Whitebloom that he could trace her relatives across the globe. He couldn't

UNLIKE the Smiths, Clarks and Taylors, whose names were coined centuries ago, mine was invented by my grandfather's family around the turn of the century. It was a name they plucked out of thin air and it bore little relation to their real, Pol- ish name.

So you can imagine how intrigued I was to learn of an 'important book' about the family Whitebloom being compiled by none other than Harold Brooks-Baker. He is, of course, the publishing director of Burke's Peerage and is more usually to be seen commenting on that other family with a made-up name — the Windsors.

Mr Brooks-Baker informed my father of this departure from royal-watching in a letter urging him to buy a copy of the book. He wrote, 'I have been working on a project relating to your Whitebloom fami- ly name. Finally, after years of effort and expense, we are ready to publish the Burke's Peerage World Book of White- blooms.

According to Mr Brooks-Baker, 'sophis- ticated computer resources' were used to search more than 170 million households in Europe, South Africa, North America and Australasia in order to compile 'the most extensive worldwide registry of fami- lies bearing the Whitebloom surname today'. Baffled as to what exactly Mr Brooks- Baker had compiled about the White- blooms, I paid the £21.95 and awaited 'this remarkable collection of Whitebloom information'. What a sorry disappointment it proved to be — all that expense and all those years of effort had clearly been in vain.

The card-bound book, in an attractive pewter colour, contained four pages of information about Whiteblooms. Or, more precisely, it contained seven addresses of people called Whitebloom — one in Eng- land, six in America.

Burke's estimated the total world popu- lation of Whiteblooms at 21. But the book was accompanied by a letter declaring: Whitebloom enthusiasm has generated an unprecedented event.' To my certain knowledge I was the only Whitebloom in the United Kingdom who had coughed up. But, in a bid to sell me further copies, Mr Brooks-Baker continued, 'The orders are still coming inl In fact the response has been ... overwhelming.'

In the event, one copy was more than enough. The bulk of the book — which opens with a certificate of registration (which you fill in yourself) — has nothing whatsoever to do with the Whiteblooms. Burke's provides no family tree (aside from the blank one you are supposed to com- plete yourself), there is no information about where the family came from and no recognition that it is an entirely fabricated name.

It does contain a short run-down of vari- ous historical events. Among the highlights are the Roman invasion of Britain (no Whiteblooms there); Captain Cook's trav- els (none there either); the Mayflower's voyage to America (certainly none on that).

But while all this history was being made elsewhere, the pre-Whiteblooms were busy carrying on their lives in eastern Poland, no doubt oblivious of what they were miss- ing.

Perhaps the Americans, for whom the book was so clearly designed, would find this information well worth the invest- ment. And it should be admitted that if you carefully read Mr Brooks-Baker's original communication it only promises to provide an international directory of your family. He makes no mention of any other family information.

The trouble is that even this promise is not fulfilled.

For instance, despite the fact that I replied to Mr Brooks-Baker's letter with a personal cheque and a return address which is not my father's, I am not listed. Burke's has clearly noted the different address, however, because junk mail addressed to my father is constantly arriv- ing at my flat.

My absence from the international reg- istry means also that Mr Brooks-Baker's sophisticated computer does not stretch to British national newspapers, for which I have written for nearly seven years. Nor has it scanned the London telephone directory, in which a brother has been list- ed for years. Neither does it appear to be terribly accurate when it comes to United States- based Whiteblooms. One of my brothers is shown as living in a city he left eight years ago, while another US-based brother is not listed at all.

Slap-dash treatment seems to be the norm. A friend with a double-barrelled name received two letters in the same post from Burke's, one was addressed to the first part of his name, the other to the sec- ond.

In addition, a colleague with an unusual surname sent off for his own directory thinking it would make a fascinating pre- sent for his elderly father. Sadly, the father was not listed, even though he has lived in the same place for 20 years and appears in Who's Who. Nor was my colleague's broth- er, though he has been in the London tele- phone book for 15 years. There was one consolation — my colleague was men- tioned twice, presumably because he has two telephone lines in his home.

And Burke's has clearly had a number of problems with other directories, since callers to the firm's London headquarters are asked by an answering machine to call the customer services department in the West Country with such queries. A staff member there informed me that all my problems could be put right if I would send them the correct information, which they would then include in a new directory — at no extra cost to me. This, of course, would defeat the entire point of buying the direc- tory. But it could have saved all those com- puter hours had Burke's adopted this method of research in the first place.

Even if such matters are dismissed as quibbles, there is a flaw in my international directory which makes it perfectly useless to Whiteblooms or anyone else. Because Whitebloom is a name adopted by my grandfather and his brother, any White- bloom Mr Brooks-Baker did manage to track down would either be immediate family or no relation at all.

All the directory showed was that my grandfather and great-uncle — whose descendants reside in the United States were rather original in their choice of anglicised name. Had any of our Continen- tal cousins who remained in Europe after their departure survived the second world war, they would be most unlikely to have lighted on the surname.

In fact, most of the British branch of the family long ago gave up the struggle of hav- ing to spell the name for the benefit of dry cleaners and are now called simply White. A World Book of Whites? It is ghastly to think what Mr Brooks-Baker's sophisticated computer would make of that.

WAR LORD