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COMPETITION

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Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1946 you were invited to write a poem which consists entirely of unreliable generalisations.

It was Pope who wrote, 'Most women have no characters at all', and Alan Jay Lerner who gave it as his opinion that 'the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain' two generalisations more untrustworthy than most. Among the axioms offered to me I especially enjoyed 'All millionaires are secretly depressed' (E. Winter), 'Every- one is fond of Vera Lynn' (Bill Greenwell), 'We've all been taught, so anyone can teach' (Alyson Nikiteas), and Katie Mal- lett's quatrain: Farmers are as rich as Croesus, Modern buildings fall to pieces, Buses never run on time, Modern poems never rhyme.

The prizewinners, printed below, get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to Philip Dacre, whose last verse brought a wintry smile to the Rhadamanthine features of Jaspistos.

Habitual whistling leads to croup; Strawberries bring you out in lumps; Bell-ringing makes moustaches droop And cycling gives you mumps.

Watching the telly makes you sweat; Tennis unbalances the toes; Spending your money leads to debt; Fresh air can block your nose.

A three-course dinner strains the heart; Immoderate laughter shortens breath; Sex damages the manly part; The safest thing is death. (Philip Dacre) He for God only, she for God in him; Man acts from judgment, woman on a whim.

Bespectacled, a girl attracts no guys; In anorexia true beauty lies. What's in a woman's mind no man can guess, But when a girl says no it's always yes.

Marriage is womankind's supremest good; Careers do not detract from motherhood.

None but the parent drives the offspring wild; No decent mother ever smacks her child.

The tolerance of age no tricks can vex. Old ladies are not interested in sex.

(Mary Holtby) No Morris dancer ever finished Proust; All pigeon-fanciers hate the taste of cod; Wagnerians are easily seduced; Men with tattoos do not believe in God; Commuters lack the normal sense of smell; No politician cleans his children's shoes; Large restaurants never cook potatoes well; Only Aquarian will live in mews.

Cat-owners have the highest Visa bills; The Classics graduate never eats red meat; Post-modernists refuse to draw up wills; Poets have got exceptionally large feet.

(D.A. Prince) The working classes have no head for heights (They've no one to look down upon, of course), The middle classes snore a lot at nights (The reason they've a high rate of divorce).

Essex man is boorish, and a bore, Essex woman's very much the same, Shropshire lads are dead by twenty-four, Shot or hanged; it does seem such a shame.

A sense of rhythm is denied to Scots, Stockbrokers are easily upset, Insomnia is commonplace in Notts, Orcadians seldom surf the Internet.

(Stanley J. Sharpless)

Duchesses listen to Radio Three.

Poets write best when it's snowing. Extrovert men prefer coffee to tea.

Methodists never go rowing. Labour supporters wear horrible shirts.

Germans are prone to get piles. Women called Madge are incurable flirts.

Grocers have sinister smiles. Feminists live in uncomfortable flats.

Bishops adore Pavarotti.

Radical thinkers keep marmalade cats. People with whiskers are potty.

(Chris Tingley) The working classes have no head for heights; A cat, seen eating grass, foreshadows rain; The wind in Rochdale only blows at nights; Those born on Friday are immune to pain.

Eat kippers — each contains an antidote To hangnails; Irish priests are never tall; Left-handed tailors cannot cut a coat; There are no alcoholics in Nepal.

Wives who drink coffee usually divorce; No German hammock is of adult size; There are no Thai policemen in the Force; Entrants from Glasgow never win a prize.

(Sebastian Robinson)

No. 1949: Fair is foul

`Earth has not anything to show more fair' begins Wordsworth's famous sonnet on the view from Westminster Bridge. Substitu- ting for 'fair' some antonym of your choice and following Wordsworth's sonnet form, please supply a sonnet describing the hor- rors of any inner cityscape. Entries to `Competition No. 1949' by 5 September.