YOU CAN'T BEAT CANT

Nigel Burke outlines

his shorter dictionary of weasel words

THERE are a lot of chaps about who say, 'I have an idea.' Alas, they do not mean that they have understood something, but that they intend to so something. Actions in public life must conventionally be done with some prefatory remarks, so our action men need cant. There seems to be a lot of it just now, and it probably does thrive in times of reforming government rather than housekeeping government. Cant is a com- pact language, because it is only a set of passwords or access codes to certain approved sentiments, such as condemna- tion of political violence and compassion for the sick.

Here is the beginning of my dictionary.

ABUSE is such a versatile word because it is pejorative and euphemistic too. 'He abused his right to remain silent by remain- ing silent throughout his trial,' is a recent example of the former. As euphemism, the word is just as impressive: The most forthright people tend to say 'child abuse' when they mean 'child buggery'.

ACCOUNTABILITY is an ugly word that we hear when someone wants power over someone or something. It is so nebulous a word that the Chief Constable of Greater Manchester was able to say that he is accountable to his postbag, by which he meant the letters that people send him.

ALARM. The phrase 'no cause for alarm' is not actually a portent of disaster, but it is far, far more reliable in that respect than comets, red skies and the entrails of birds ever were. When you hear it, get out your geiger counter.

ANIMAL LIBERATION. While there is nothing loopy or dishonest about wishing well to animals, the idea of liberation to the wild is rarely examined except through cant. A way of forcing home the point would be to take an animal liberationist from his bed, explain to him that he is an omnivorous, tropical mammal, and put him down in the bush of central Africa.

BALANCE. 'Striking a balance' is a gov- ernment vice. The phrase is aimed at people who have suffered from a policy or who disagree in principle. It implies that the Government was reluctant to do what it did, and contains an implied threat that it has the power to do worse.

CARE AND CARING. It is not edifying to see political care contests. During the last general election, it was conceded that Mr Kinnock cared harder than Mrs Thatcher. Care is the property of public employees from hard-spending councils to the ex- treme social workers who will tell you that the Daleks were not evil, but socially disadvantaged. Care is the name of a kind of fluorescent toy bear.

CHALLENGE. In the sense of 'a challenge to industry', it often means some unwel- come difficulty. Crippled or deformed people are sometimes called 'challenged people'. I do not envy them their chance for glory.

CLASS. We have achieved an officially classless society in that everyone is treated with equal contempt by the authorities, regardless of social background. There is plenty of snobbery and discrimination, but it is insufficiently like the class system of the past to make it worthwhile to talk about class except for cant purposes.

COMMON SENSE is a very old and dignified cant term. There is nothing less common than sense. The notion is a device whereby the stupid or the ignorant can enjoy a form of intellectual snobbery. Their very ignorance or stupidity is the diploma they need to browbeat the disting- uished professor with whom they are arguing. No wonder it is a popular notion.

COMMUNITY is a collective noun for any number of people, provided that the con- text is that of some social engineering. One hundred people in a field is just a crowd, but put a dying seal or a football hooligan in the middle, and it is a community.

COMMUNITY CARE is a rare example of double-barrelled cant, and it means the closure of lunatic asylums. CONCERN is a thing professionally exer- cised by journalists and numerous officers of state. They are to concern what prosti- tutes are to love: capable of it, but surely not so promiscuously as they pretend.

CONCEPT. A concept is what people call an idea they don't really understand.

DESIGN. Surprisingly often, design means making an object out of smooth grey or black plastic, and putting pastel-coloured knobs on it.

DEPENDENCY is a propaganda word de- signed to make everyone see the poor as undeserving poor. It is a mirror image of the older term 'unearned income', which was a propaganda word intended to make people see the rich as idle rich. If I was hanging off a cliff-edge, supported only by a rope, I would be dependent upon that rope. I should like my companions to pull me up, and end my state of dependency, but if I was on a climbing holiday with the Young Conservatives, I fear they might cut the rope to encourage my enterprise and initiative.

DISCIPLINE. If you think carefully about the public peopje who talk most about discipline, you will find that very many of them are fat men. No explanation is proposed. But just as charity begins at home, discipline begins in the kitchen, with the self.

EDUCATION. I once heard a representa- tive of the ANC describe killing by means of the 'necklace' as a form of education. When the Left and pressure groups talk about education, one feels the same frisson as when finance companies talk about easy payments.

ENVIRONMENT. It is the speed of assi- milation that is so remarkable about en- vironmental debate. Everyone loves the environment now, and it cannot be long before we see political rioters insisting on lead-free petrol bombs.

EUROPE. Individually, France, Germany, Italy and so forth are interesting and nice. Why is it, then, that collectively they are boring and sinister? Is it because when we are 'joining Europe' or 'coming into line with Europe', 'Europe' does not mean the cultures and customs and peoples of the Continent? It really refers to about 10,000 politicians and civil servants.

'Euro-' is a prefix denoting waste and futility. The supporters of European union rest on one argument, which is the inevita- bility of union. Death, too, is inevitable, but there is no call to be enthusiastic about it. Martin Luther King had a dream that one day black Americans would be free, and enjoy first-class citizenship. Lord Young has a dream that he will be able to buy an electrical appliance in London and plug it in in Paris without needing an excessively long extension cord. It is likely that he will see his dream become reality.

FIRE. Fire risk is something often used as a device to prevent people from smoking or keeping pets in council accommodation. It is notoriously dangerous, and we can foresee the time when fire-starting mate- rials are licensed and finally banned by the Government in favour of safer warmth- producing systems. A government that has taken steps over the possession of sharp things must, to be consistent, take equally tough steps over the means of arson, such as matches or lighters.

GREAT BRITISH. The term is used to ascribe universal human traits specifically to the British, such as 'the Great British interest in sex'. When British policemen or rescue services save people from floods or collapsing buildings, the Great British aspect of their actions comes up, rather as if French or Brazilian rescue workers would have stood in groups on the edge of the disaster area, eating snack foods and laying bets.

HEALTH is not a cant word in itself, but refers to a great empire of cant. The World Health Organisation last year adopted a new slogan: 'Health for all by the year 2000'. That achieved, we can look forward to a resurrection of the dead by 2020.

HOME OFFICE: the Ministry of Crack- downs. Its name sounds reassuring, like Home Service and Home Counties, so it is badly named.

INAPPROPRIATE. 'You may not do what you wish to, because it is inappropriate,' is a new and increasingly popular way of saying: 'You may not do it because I am powerful enough to stop you, and indeed so powerful that I need not bother to give you an explanation.'

INNOCENT. Perhaps the most chilling and dangerous cant of the times is this: 'The innocent have nothing to fear.' It means that someone is about to destroy a part of your freedom or privacy, because freedom and privacy are of value only to criminals. Once it is accepted that only criminals make use of liberty, liberty is nine tenths abolished. Already we see the Govern- ment abolishing rights on the grounds that they can be abused. All rights can be abused, so the notion of rights is in mortal danger. A man who says that 'the innocent have nothing to fear' has no faith in the people he is planning to harry with his new powers, yet he demands that they have faith in his own goodwill and competence. It is likely that Cleveland social workers told families that 'the innocent have nothing to fear' as they took their children away. Further definitions of cant will appear in future issues.