POLITICS

The hunting of the Market

NOEL MALCOLM

'Just the place for a Market!, the Minister cried As he handed out leaflets all round; 'Europe's open for business! Quick! Rush inside! That's where all the best business is found.'

His form was ungainly, his intellect small (The newsmen would often remark it) But his sales-talk was perfect! And that, after all, Is the thing that one needs with a Market.

His greatest ambition, they heard him declare, Was to buy a light-bulb and be able To take it to Paris and plug it in there (One that says 'Made in France' on the label?) 'Come listen', he said, 'just in case it's not clear, I'll repeat to you (begging your pardon) The ways you can tell when a Market is near — Whether Single, or Common, or Garden.

'The first is its fondness for mountains and lakes, Which some say it carries too far; But the surplus is there for the pensioners' sakes (The ones in the USSR).

'The second, its liking for "standards" and "harmony", Whether of chalk or of cheese.

The costs of adjustment are paid out of our money (Every good club has its fees).

'The third is ambition. It next will be right To describe each particular batch: Distinguishing those found in Brussels, which bite From those found in Strasbourg, which scratch.

'For, although Common Markets seldom cause harm, Yet I feel it my duty to say, Some are Unions' — The Minister stopped in alarm For the Premier had fainted away.

They tapped at her temples, they pulled at her legs, They roused her with mustard and cap- ers; They tried to dissuade her from eating raw eggs As they fanned her white face with White Papers.

At length she got up, and with tears in her eyes She explained: 'My old father, at home, Used to warn me that one quite appalling surprise Would be found in the Treaty of Rome.

"Alas!", he said, "daughter, beware of the day If your Market's a Union! For then All your sovereignty quickly will vanish away And never be met with again!"' Sir Geoffrey looked uffish, and wrinkled his brow: 'If only you'd spoken before!

It's excessively awkward to mention it now, When the President's name is Delors!'

'Be a man', said the Premier in wrath, as she heard Sir Geoffrey beginning to sob; 'When we meet with the Jacques-Jacques, that desperate bird, We shall need all our strength for the job,' They sought it with symbols, they sought it with care, They pursued it with ecus and hope; They tempted the French with a waterworks-share, While Lord Young preferred ads and old rope.

* * *

The Attorney, meanwhile, was dreaming of Dublin And Brussels, and dished extraditions, And cursing the process he'd had so much trouble in, And the whims of those piqued politi- cians.

The indictment had been pretty clearly expressed, But they claimed that the trial had begun In the House, and the Press, so that everyone guessed What the man was supposed to have done. The Irish gave up, looking deeply dis- gusted, But the Attorney, a little aghast, As the lawyer to whom the whole case was entrusted, Went bellowing on to the last.

While the Chancellor counted his Deut- schmarks with care, A Paymentsgap swiftly drew nigh And grabbed at poor Nigel, who shrieked in despair, For he knew it was useless to fly.

With its frumious jaws it started to bite And to kick with its thundering hoof; While so great was his fright that his waistcoat turned white And his interest rates went through the roof.

To the horror of all at his Mansion House speech He uprose in full evening dress, And with senseless statistics endeavoured to preach What his plans could no longer express.

* * * They sought it with symbols, they sought it with care, They pursued it with ecus and hope; They tempted the French with a waterworks-share, While Lord Young preferred ads and old rope.

Till at length on a hill-top, against the horizon, Lord Cockfield rose up, the proud caitiff, 'A man', said the P.M., 'we must keep our eyes on — I very much fear he's gone native'.

'It's a Market!' his distant cry came to their ears, 'And the date is 1992'.

Then followed a torrent of laughter and cheers: Then the ominous words, 'It's a U Then, silence. What word was he strug- gling to say?

In the midst of his laughter and glee, He had softly and suddenly vanished away. For he'd tried to say Union, you see.