COMPETITION

Unpresentables

In Competition No. 1554 you were asked for four imaginary items, with accompany- ing salesman's guff, from a brochure adver- tising the sort of Christmas presents that nobody could possibly want.

First, let me thank all of you, scarcely ever answered, who have written through- out the year to salute, correct, upbraid, inform or amuse me, or to suggest com- petitions. Somewhere out there, I get the impression, friendly people are waving — or are some of them shaking their fists? To every man jack and woman jill I wish a happy Christmas and a drinkable New Year.

This competition proved very popular, bringing in several new names. Nicholas Murray, Frances Orme, Alan Bancroft, Martin Fagg, Jonathan Bates and Kay Dixon all hit my funny-bone hard. But the prizes, belonging to the winners printed below, who get £12 each, go to those who managed to score at least three bulls out of four. The bonus bottle of Cockburn's Late Bottled Vintage Port 1982, kindly pre- sented by Cockburn Smithes & Co. Ltd, will be drunk — I trust with walnuts — by James D. Tinsley.

Personalised Nose-Hair Tweezers. Made to tradi- tional high standards, this hygienic implement comes with your personalised name engraving (maximum three letters) and an attached cord to hang it around your neck.

Attractive Seascape Picture. Hang this picture upon any wall and it's an instant conversation piece! Just one tilt starts a continuous, faithful reproduction of sea movement during a Force Ten gale. A relaxing addition to any room. Fresh Milk/Cream Tester. Worried about the freshness of dairy products when eating out? Just dip this object into the relevant liquid, and it will read either 'fresh', 'useable', or 'sour'. An indispensable item for all health-conscious con- noisseurs, 'Find-Me' Key Fob. Searching for keys in pockets or the dark need never be a problem again. This fob emits a piercing whine whenever you shout 'Find me!' It also needs no batteries as it's solar-powered! James D. Tinsley `Smokey'. Modern gas 'coal' fires are labour- saving, but lack something. There is no smoke, none of the old familiar smells. `Smokey' looks like one of the Seven Dwarfs, but can be regulated to puff smoke in any direction; and he smells right.

Friendlyphone. Why take your portable phone to a restaurant if it never rings? Friendlyphone contains a small cassette recorder that can be programmed at will to ring and conduct short decisive conversations.

'Dental Dinah'. This is a toothbrush with a difference. She talks soothingly while you brush, and guides you about the best way to keep teeth sparkling. 'Dinah-plus' even calls you by your Christian name. (Paul Griffin) For the discriminating lager lout, we present Kool-Kan. Fitting snugly around any can, Kool- Kan maintains it at a constant temperature. Stylishly finished in traditional brown leather or designer matt black, Kool-Kan means a farewell to warm beer!

The Fun Futon is a bed that turns into a rug! When you've finished sleeping on it, simply leave it on the floor and walk on it! Designed on orthopaedic principles, the Fun Futon is a mere 5mm thick and has an attractive 100 per cent polypropylene twist pile.

Write your own romantic fiction! My-Novel is a boon for all would-be authors. Complete with title, stylish cover illustration, breathless blurb and chapter headings, all you have to do is fill the blank pages with your own torrid text.

Happy writing! (Peter Norman) Heaithmate. Worn like a watch, Healthmate checks your heartbeat and breathing con- tinuously with audible warning of deviations. Handy for testing how you cope with those everyday stresses. Statistical memory facility gives you a run-down when you wake on your body's overnight performance.

The Trouserpendium. A brilliantly simple space- saving idea. Why let your trouser-press stand idle for 16 hours a day? This one folds down to make a roulette-table/backgammon board. For all men who play games with their trousers on! The Perfect Mate. A breakthrough in chess computers, it takes away all the strain by playing for both sides while you settle down with a drink. Tumbler included.

Humidifying Moisture-Absorber. Two common household problems are dry air, causing bronc- hial and skin upsets, and condensation, which ruins interior decorations. This unique combina- tion device adds water vapour to the atmosphere while crystals in the base remove excess mois- ture from it. (Noel Petty) Burnt Tongue? Never again! With the unique Temp-o-rite pocket thermometer, test every beverage before it passes your lips. Just set its calibrated gauge and dip in Temp-o-rite. It reaches your personalised temperature threshold, and emits a soft, attractive bleep. Your cuppa's ready! In fashionable clip-on 'fountain pen' design, inbuilt silver saccharine dispenser. Soup? Or Is It Stew? With a Nu-Spork, no need to ask! Flick a micro-switch and prongs spring from your soup spoon! Small blade extra.

Video-Lag? Meet Videalarm, a discreet ear- phone bleeper which quietly reminds you when to tape your favourites. No more dinner-party blues when friendly conversation makes you forget your top tele-treats. With Videalarm, just make your excuses and pop in to guarantee TV delights whenever you want! (Nigel Blewrell) Loved ones will be thrilled by snow-plough attachments for windscreen wipers. Just clamp on in a blizzard and see the difference! £8.00 each or £23.00 for a set of three. Not recom- mended for use when the car is in motion.

Banish unsightly cat-litter trays. Pop this pink fluffy piggy over the top and even puss won't guess what lies beneath. £29.95, personal shop- pers only.

Regular as clockwork! Grandma Mactavish's celebrated porridge delivered to that special person every week for a year. Traditional fare cooked and matured in the old-fashioned way in Grandma's oaken drawers. £110.00 per annum (delivery free in the Hebrides). Hire of bucket 110.00 extra. (Amanda Nicholson) Micro Extension Cable. Have you ever said, 'If only I had that extra foot on my cable to reach that difficult corner'. Well, this is it: a plug and socket separated by just 12 inches of electric cable.

Licence Holder Holder. At last the answer to those annoying plastic holders that just won't stick. The Licence Holder Holder bonds the old licence holder to the glass. The full kit comes with Licence Holder Holder Remover Fluid. Fashionware Wellies. Amaze your kids with trendy designer-holed green wellington boots. Just return your special template pattern and we will puncture the Fashionware Wellies to your