SPECTATOR COMPETITIONS—No. 6

Report by Derek Hudson

"The child is father of the man." To illustrate this, write a school report, not exceeding 200 words, for any one of the following between the ages of 6 and 12: —Job, Dick Turpin, Beau Brummell, Gladstone, Eninza Lady Hamilton, Harpo Marx.

I HAVE found the entries extremely entertaining and have had great diffialty in deciding between them. Job received the most attention from competitors ; after him in order of preference came Gladstone, Lady Hamilton, Dick Turpin, Harpo Marx and Beau Brummell. Only one of the characters was contemporary, and it became clear from the outset that the competitors were to be divided into two categories—those who had attempted the language of the period, and those who had not. The former often displayed erudition and•touches of scholarship ; the latter, I think, were the more amusing. After much cogitation, I have decided to divide the five pounds at my disposal between three competitors:— Mrs. A. Jacobs, whose report on Harpo Marx's career at the " advanced " Winterhill School was the most original of the entries (2 10s.); Mr. Guy Kendall, whose report on Job was at once short and comprehensive 10s.); and the Rev. R. Clough, whose report on Dick Turpin, though lamentably unhistorical, was some- thing of a tour de force in its kind (£1).

Let me now briefly consider the various categories and try to make amends to some of those who will be disappointed. First, Job. I should like to assure Mr. J. G. M. Thomson that his painstaking report, based on a careful study of the Biblical text, did not go unappreciated. But it was sometimes far-fetched. I wondered whether "Handwriting. Still illegible. Asks permission to use typewriter in class" was strictly justified by referenct. to Job XIX. 23: "Oh that my words were now written! oh that they were printed in a book! " Of the competitors who attempted archaic language, I preferred Dr. J. W. McFeeters ("Is one well gifted with speech—yea, his words flow like the waters of Jordan in the rainy season "). Few of the entrants failed to mention that Job had been confined to the san with boils, "unpleasant skin disease," or "infection of the blood." Commendations to the above, and to N. Hodgson, Margaret Usborne, A. J. Robinson, and R. Kennard Davis.

Gladstone provoked a few shrewd strokes but no prize-winner. There were the inevitable recurring references to wood-cutting (" In his leisure time I frequently find him helping one of my kitchen maids to chop firewood "—Athol M. Shephard) and to verbosity (".Spoke eloquently for fifty minutes in defence of unrestricted bun bartering at the debate on the future of the tuck shop "—Roger Till). The somewhat critical report provided by D. I. Beaumanoir-Hart was well thought out (" His conduct is exemplary, but I have observed that he contrives to combine an outspoken abhorrence of deceit with an innate habit of mind which it would be harsh to term duplicity yet impossible to call candour ").

The Lady Hamilton entries tended to be facetious. Joyce and Janet Hesketh sank to substituting Admiral Knowledge for General Knowledge (" Excellent ") but redeemed themselves by allowing that Emma was "a fast worker" and by recording that in Domestic Subjects "Emma has a disrupting influence." I enjoyed "Emma has gained her 'badge of honour' for good deportment" (Elizabeth Rich) and "She is much loved by the Chairman of our Board of Governors, who has been known to take her upon his Knee in spite of the Gout and Advancing Years" (Mrs. Bowater) The shortest and not the worst of the entries was submitted by a com- petitor whose name I cannot read: "Deportment and character training: very fair." Commendation to Dr. C. Willett Cunnington for an indignant letter from a headmistress, with copious underlinings. "Very taking ways" and "Very quick with his hands" were typical inspirations on the Turpin theme. Mr. R. James contributed "You will find him well prepared to meet the many hazardous encounters which beset us along the uncertain highway of our life," and Miss T. E. Ellis-Jones: "You will doubtless be gratified to learn that the lad is engaged in compiling a comprehensive list of all the regular vehicular traffic which daily plies past the school gates." On Harpo Marx, Mr. Kenneth Braine-Hartnell made a good runner-up to Mrs. Jacobs (his Matron commented. " . . is never so happy as when he's frightening the housemaids with his larks. He's rather advanced in some ways for his age "). The Beau Brummell entries were disappointing ; -but probably this was harder than it looked.

FIRST PRIZE (Mrs. A. Jacobs)

WINTERHILL SCHOOL.

Name: Harpo. Age: 7. Attendance at Group Studies: Surreptitious. Sometimes disguised. Speech: Subternormal. Destructive Tendencies: Wreaks treble the havoc of an abnormal boy. Appetite: Eats enough for three. . Development: Arrested indefinitely. Group Mother's Remarks: Harpo's Group Mother is in hospital.

Group Father's Letter: Excellent ! Harpo is making persistent unsteady regress. However, he is in danger of thwarting his healthy id compulsions by playing one musical instrument "correctly "—i.e. in accordance with the repressive edicts of the superego—a perilous thing at any age.

He appears to enjoy a duo-fraternal fantasy. Extraordinarily vivid I To the point of disturbing the reality sense of the less analysed at Winter- hill ! I am showing no anxiety.

SECOND PRIZE (Mr. Guy Kendall)

Report by the Chief Scribe on Job max. (Uzzites). This boy has a decided literary gift. His verses show an unusual sensitiveness to rhythm, and his essays reveal a close observation of nature which he is able to use to effect for the purpose of illustration. His moral conduct is good on the whole, but he is liable to violent fits of impatience accompanied by what can only be called unbecoming and even blasphemous language. On his birthday he scandalised his schoolfellows by cursing the day on which he was born, because he was kept in on a half-holiday for some minor delinquency.

At the same time he accepts natural afflictions such as the recent earthquake with singular resignation and good humour, and in the sanatorium, when suffering from boils, he propounded to the matron a complete philosophy of good and evil. He might well apply for a studentship in Sacred Law and I am prepared to recommend him for that purpose.

THIRD PRIZE (Rev. R. Clough)

Name: Dick Turpin. Form: III. Age: 11. Conduct: Excellent. Divinity: Has had a good term. His essay on spoiling the Egyptians was first rate. English subjects: Loses no time in trying to improve. In Geography he should go far. History: Has a vivid imagination. Grammar: Very irregular. Latin: Has difficulty in distinguishing between " meum " and " tuum." Improving. French: Knows his possessive adjectives. Mathematics: Arithmetic: Excels at subtraction. Geometry: Has made a beginning but finds it difficult to visualise anything straight. Algebra: Slow ; must remember that nothing is achieved without hard labour. Music: Theory good ; can transpose. Much work spoilt by improper fingeritit Headmaster's Report: He has been a good boy and worked well, although spending too much time in detention from which he could easily escape with a little more concentration. Has undoubted ability and should reach the top of the tree.