Competition
No. 153: Talking shop
Set by A.J. Wyborn: Competitors are asked to choose, from different authors, two characters who occupy the same job or position (e.g. Shakespeare's Quince and Lewis Carroll's Carpenter, Mr Collins and Mr Slope, Don Quixote and Galahad), and give an excerpt of not more than 150 words from their conversation on meeting. Entries to 'Competition No. 1053' by 12 March.
No. 1050: The winners
Charles Seaton reports: Competitors were asked for extracts from the Diary of a Present-Day Nobody.
This week it has been largely a case of plus ca change, with the essential Pooter — 'dim, kind, ineffable Mr Pooter,' as Alan Pryce-Jones characterises him — still coming through. Five pounds to Claude Spettigue for a typical Pooter misadventure, and four pounds each for the other entries printed. Friday: This morning, found my usual train much shorter than usual; consequently, many persons of obvious second-class status had occupied all the first-class seats. Entering one compartment, I remarked meaningfully: 'This t's First-Class, you know' — whereupon some uncouth fellow chirped: 'Bright boy — go to the top of the class!' On my further remarking: 'I trust everyone here is a First-Class ticket-holder', he riposted: 'Trust on, Sunshine', thereby raising a general guffaw. A saucy young miss giggled: 'Come and sit on my lap, grand-dad' and some other wag grinned: 'Move up for Lord Toffeenose.' But I had had enough and resolved to fetch a ticket inspec tOr. As the corridors were now jam-packed as well, I had to step out onto the platform to do so — whereupon the train promptly shot out of the station, the irregular occupants of my compartment giving me an insolent wave and cheer as they flashed past. Really! What is England coming to?
(Claude Spettigue) Monday: Ice and snow (not as forecast by conceited yob on TV). No teachers allowed into school. Picket made fun of my fur hat (Christmas present from Janey). One voice inquired whether it would like a saucer of milk. I suspect it was Hoggart, our caretaker. I've never liked the man. Tuesday: Allowed in. The County 'Adviser', as he calls himself, told me off because Class 4 weren't chanting tables. Last year he was cross because they were.
Wednesday: School shut so worked for mY Sociology degree. The books on 'Equality' get on my nerves — most were written by a smart-aleck manost in a white suite, with Jag to match. He lives not far away in the better part of town. (Don't like the way he looks at Janey.) (Michael Birt)
Tuesday: Yesterday I was rather upset. When 1 reached home in the evening and had settled down with my Express after tea (Marleen had fried me a nice piece of fish, which I enjoyed with tomato ketchup) Edward came in and said that he wanted to join a group. I asked him what he meant and he said 'You know, like the Beatles or the Rolling Stones used to be'. I left him in no doubt that I highly disapproved and he said something about squares and fascists. Edward has been causing me some anxiety lately. He never has his hair cut and he wears filthy-looking jeans and a vest which he calls a T-shirt. I had, word about this with Mr Thompson, Edward s boss. I was able to get Edward the job there because Mr Thompson and I are great friends in the Horticultural Society.
(H.A.C. Evans)
January 23. Back to work today. Angry scene with NUPE shop steward. He said I should have been on picket duty yesterday. I pointed out that the buses were on strike, I had no petrol because of the tanker drivers' dispute and the trains were not running. He replied that I could have walked. When I said, 'I live ten miles away and in any case I'm not a member of NUPE', be became red and strangely speechless. I took advantage of this to tell him that Lupin, although still unemployed had been very active on several picket lines. For some reason this did not please him. I decided to ignore his remark 'If it wasn't for the ambulance drivers being back today I'd dot you one.' (I have left our some words in case Carrie reads this.) Tonight Lupin asked for L5 for the strike fund. Refused and felt I had dealt a telling blow
to to NUPE.
(
Carrie and I were surprised when our son Tn imLus°ri) Pirl turned up unexpectedly. I asked him if he had special leave from the Bank. He told me he had had a difference of opinion with the Manager and had got the push. 'A difference of opinion on what?' I asked. 'He objected to me sniffing.' 'But
none of us can help sniffing when we have a cold.' 'It wasn't only that,' he said. 'He didn't like me having an occasional fix and suggested I was gone on the habit.' What habit?' I inquired. 'Well, he said he didn't want any junkies serving in his Branch.' Neither Carrie nor I could make head or tail of what he was talking about. I resolved to ask my friend Gowing what he made of it.
(Stephen Meadows)
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