YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I am a junior lecturer at a prestigious institute in Bloomsbury. Because of poten- tial hazards in the laboratory, food and drink May only be taken in designated areas. The institute provides a pleasant enough room for post graduates in which one may rest, read the papers and so on. There is a small annual fee for this privilege. My problem, and question for you, Mary, is that for half an hour in the morning and afternoon and an hour at lunch this room is dominated by one particularly boorish man whose crass bar-room banter — including foul language, triumphant flatulence and noisy failure to solve even the simplest crossword clue intrudes into all other activities. While I will, I hope, be moving on in a year, this buffoon Is some sort of permanent nine-to-five mem- ber of staff. I do not wish to appear prissy or Pompous but I, and several others, wish to reverse the atmosphere of this university common room. What can we do?
Name withheld, London W1 A. Walk into the common room one morn- ing brandishing a large box of earplugs. Addressing the room in general say, 'I'm just so exhausted I'm going to put these in so that I can have a proper rest this break time. Don't think I'm ignoring you. I just can't hear!' At this point, by prior arrangement, the bulk of your colleagues can come for- ward, each saying, 'What a good idea. Can I have a pair?' With the entire room, apart from the bumptious one, placidly wearing earplugs, he should soon get the message.
Q. Whenever we are away from home on a Sunday, my husband and I like to attend a service at an Anglican church nearby. If the service is Holy Communion, however, we often find ourselves disconcerted by a lack of knowledge of the etiquette involved in the `sign of peace'. (Our own parochial church council has stood out against this compara- tively recent innovation, presumably on the grounds that, since the members of the con- gregation all know each other and talk after the service, and are careful to welcome every stranger and newcomer as they arrive, shak- ing hands with our neighbours halfway through the service is both pointless and an unhelpful distraction.) When we are in a dif- ferent church, and the moment arrives, we are at a loss to know whether to turn first left or right, behind us or to the front, and the result is often a shambolic, and embarrass- ing, mix-up. We then sink to our knees (for the most solemn part of the service) with pink faces and uncharitable thoughts about the General Synod. To ignore the friendly and well-meaning, if unchoreographed, advances of other churchgoers is unthink- able. Please can you help us?
U.B., Northants A. Since there is no rhyme nor reason to the ritual, stand still, smiling straight ahead and wait for others to approach you. Ideal- ly, you could avoid the nuisance in the first place by worshipping in the organ loft.
Q. My wife has been ill for some consider- able time but she is very fortunate in the sense that she has a close friend who rings and visits on a regular basis. Unfortunately, whenever she visits she invariably brings us huge trifles, fruit cakes, sponges and small cakes etc., all of which is much too much for just two people. How can we get the mes- sage across without hurting her feelings that we really don't need all this sweet stuff?
Name and address withheld A. Outwit this friend by announcing that your doctor has put your wife on 'one of those new wheat, yeast, sugar and dairy- free diets'. This will soon put a stop to her do-gooding.
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