YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. A couple of years ago I gave a bad review to a book by someone to whom I now discover I need to suck up. She turns out to have had a prolonged relationship with the person whose life I am currently writing. I sent a letter to Spain where she is now living, but received an icy little note in reply along the lines of there being little point in our meeting as we were clearly not on one another's wavelength. Mutual friends have told me that she is ultra-chippy about criticism, so I would appear to have burnt my boats, unless there is anything you can suggest, Mary? It is essential that I talk to her.
Name and address withheld A. The writer you mention is also known to be highly susceptible to flattery. I suggest, therefore, that you quickly pen a 1,000- word revisionist eulogy, written in the wake of having found yourself staggered by the quality of her entire oeuvre. You should then ask a sub-editor friend to have it 'set' in a likely literary typeface, such as Corinthian Light 8pt, complete with prais- ing 'strap heading' and `standfirse. A pho- tocopy of this 'review' would be indistin- guishable from one which had genuinely appeared in print. There should be no need for you to date it or mention the publica- tion. Simply pop it in the post to Spain with a letter suggesting there must have been some kind of misunderstanding and will she reconsider allowing you to come and visit.
Q. A recent correspondent complained about having to attend birthday parties in restaurants. I, too, have attended such par- ties but I do not object so much to the pay- ing of roughly £50 for the privilege. Money is not a problem for me. What I object to is finding that one bossy person has gone ahead and ordered the wine for the entire table and suddenly six bottles of house white and six bottles of house red are cracked down in front of one. I mind about what I drink and wonder how, if you were me, you would go about discreetly arrang- ing for a personal supply of something decent to keep you going throughout the ordeal.
H.F., 514/7
A. Should this happen again, you could glance at the wine list to select an accept- able vintage, then briefly leave your seat 'to make a quick call'. Take your waiter to one side and explain that you are allergic to the wine selected by the others but do not want to make a fuss. Hand over the necessary cash and ask him to decant into an empty house wine bottle the vintage that you do find acceptable. You having returned to the table, he can come bustling up behind you and clunk the bottle down directly in front of you. When it becomes necessary to 'fill up' the girls on either side of you, you can use one of the genuine house wines, which will no doubt be just as adjacent as the quality bottle. Mary Killen If you have a problem write to Mary Killen, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, Lon- don WCIN 2LL.
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