Radio
Caught out
Michael Vestey
How I was looking forward to it: the first of a new Test series against the West Indies; the sun was actually shining for once and the trees in the valley below had turned blue in the heat haze. The intention was to listen to Test Match Special on Radio Four long wave to analyse its slight revamp; I had caught snatches of it during the two Tests against Zimbabwe and it seemed as good as ever, but work of vari- ous kinds prevented me from listening for any length of time.
There was a problem last weekend, as well. There was some serious eating and drinking to be done: out to dinner on Fri- day night, 11 to lunch on Saturday. I ear- marked Sunday as my TMS day. By Saturday lunchtime, though, I realised gloomily that I had left it too late. England were bound to collapse in their second innings and, when the last guest had gone, I tuned in to discover that they had obliged. Thank you, Athers, Stewie and Hickie, I thought, you've mucked up my radio col- umn. I realise this was not a priority for you but you might have hung around until Sunday afternoon at least. I should have known, really, that it was foolhardy to wait until the fourth day of an England Test.
Oh well, there are another four Tests, I suppose, but I shall definitely set aside the Thursday, the first day, to listen and to see if various changes made to TMS have not altered its brilliance. Still, there were two Henry Blofeld gems to remember with pleasure. The first was when he launched into a Spoonerism by announcing the imminent broadcasting of 'the fishing shorecast'. Actually, he got as far as 'fish- ing' before realising, to laughter in the commentary box, where he was heading. The other was his Wodehousian announce- ment that he'd been asked to open a pub in Frinton-on-Sea called the Blowers Arms. I've decided to set up a Blowers Watch throughout the summer and hope to pub- lish some Blowersisms here.
I might be imagining it but TMS appears to have become a little more earnest since it outbid talkSPORT for the domestic radio rights, so the presence of Blofeld will always ensure that it doesn't stray too far into deep discussions about playing off the back foot or exploring the technicalities of the 'arm ball'. Non-cricketers who can't seem to find the Radio Four FM frequency to escape can be put off. Even my partner Katie smiles when she hears his fruity voice and 'How are you, my dear old thing?' to the team's pundits when they join him at the micro- phone. Cricketing talk is not her thing.
So if TMS is an example of broadcasting at its finest, what on earth does one make of Veg Talk on Radio Four (Friday)? When I heard the first series (this is the third), it seemed that all my fears about the dumb- ing down of Radio Four were being realised. This is a programme about veg- etables presented by two New Covent Gar- den greengrocers, Gregg Wallace and Charlie Hicks. It's a perfectly sensible idea as vegetables interest people who like food and there is now an enormous variety avail- able to us, thanks to the supermarkets and the better small shops. Nor is there any objection to these two cockneys talking about vegetables, as they obviously know their stuff. It's their style of presentation that really grates, camp and all-a-twitter with jokey asides and innuendo. In one edi- tion, against the theme tune of Match of the Day and football crowd noises, they run through the top ten vegetables of the week: `Up from last week's number five to this week's number three, it's sick as a parrot for Spanish apricots.' Down one to this week's number two, they think it's all over, English strawberries.' Up two to this week's number one, it is all over now for French peaches.' They're our veg of the week.' They are marvellous.' Not as mar- vellous as you, sexy."Oh, bless you.'
Now this would sound cringe-making on most radio networks but on Radio Four it jars even more. It is easy to imagine how it came about. The scene: Broadcasting House. Two producers are thinking up a new programme about vegetables. How can they convince the controller that it would not be boring? That's it! Wallace and Hicks reproducing the banter of the market. Interestingly, when these two appeared on Feedback on Radio Four last Friday to defend themselves against com- plaints from listeners they sounded com- pletely different. Instead of coming across as a couple of Frankie Howerds on laugh- ing-gas they appeared to be quite intelli- gent and articulate.
`I've got to say,' said Wallace, 'we are greengrocers, not broadcasters. We don't know how we are as broadcasters but we are definitely good greengrocers, that's for sure.' They used, they said, 'the language of the market ... this is how we speak'. What they should remember is that they're not in the market, they're on Radio Four whose listeners don't like being spoken down to.
I can't tell if our vicar's had a sex-change — he always wears a dress.'
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