YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary..
Q. During the reception following a fash- ionable wedding near Godalming last week I was fallen on with great enthusiasm by a man who seemed to know me very well, or at least to know everything about me. He introduced me to a number of other guests as though we were old friends and talked so knowledgably about my work (I am a Painter) that, although I learnt his name, I did not like to ask him who he was and where, if ever, we had met each other. For all I knew he might have been a collector, but how could I have found out these salient details without asking the bride and groom who were too busy for me to disturb?
G.B-H., London WC1 4. You should have dispatched a female friend to infiltrate this man's conversational cluster and casually remark to the group in general, `Oh, I believe that painter G.B-H 15 here. I'm such a fan, do any of you know him?' When the man in question replied Yes', she could have said, 'Oh, how excit- ing! No, don't introduce me, I'm too shy but how did you meet him?' before reporting back to you with the answer.
Q. We have some charming neighbours in the country who are renting a small cottage near our house. Having enjoyed their com- Pany so much around the dinner table, I told them last summer that they must use our pool whenever they wanted to without even asking us. Unfortunately they took me at my word and showed up at the pool almost every day. I had forgotten about the existence of their three noisy children, yap- ping terriers, etcetera. The upshot was that my husband and I no longer wanted to use the pool ourselves because we found the splashing and screaming so nerve-racking. We are about to open up our pool again. How can I revoke the invitation issued last year without causing offence? Or will we simply have to move house? Name and address withheld A. Pre-empt the problem by saying, 'By the way, we're opening up the pool next week and I must just warn you we've got a rather bad-tempered friend coming to stay, so don't be surprised if you see him at the pool and he looks absolutely furious. He's a bachelor, he's very old and he's got tinnitus, so any sort of children's noise drives him completely spare, but I should just ignore him if I were you. . . . On second thoughts, the poor chap hasn't got much longer to go, perhaps we ought to let him have a com- plete break. I tell you what, I'm not sure how long he's staying but I'll ring you up when the coast is clear.'
Q. We live in western France, rather near a nudist colony. Our friends, who are dedicat- ed naturists, urge us to join them for beach- side banquets and gentle games of volleyball, and they won't take no for an answer. With- out being a prude, I am not especially keen on baring all over the moules marinieres. How, without causing offence, can I dissuade our friends from persisting with these invita- tions? I could, I suppose, hint at some dis- gusting congenital malformation, but that might be tempting fate.
E.H., Gironde, France A. There is no need to hint at a disgusting malformation. Instead, announce that you are sorry but you have just found out you are suffering from light-reactive priapism. Say that, although you yourself do not mind, it effectively rules out your disrobing in front of strangers. Your wife is adamant that she does not wish to have to experi- ence the symptoms of your condition in the context of group nudism.
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