Low lif e
Face-lifts
Jeffrey Bernard
It's always nice to stay in a house where they Put Malvern Water, Vogue and a bowl of fruit on the bedside table. It makes such a change from an infused tea bag, the Racehorse and a limp biscuit. It was delightful to be able to sit up in someone else's bed last week listening to the servants pottering about downstairs and to read Health and S,lirnming Vogue and discover how the oeautiful people make themselves beautiful. The article which really grabbed me ;vas one that disclosed what various well Known women do to their faces and what they do to keep their shape. Vogue, I think, must be read by people completely and utterly out of touch with reality, but it's good for a laugh. I mean, would you believe What Antonia Fraser does to herself?
She puts on Miss Dior Eau de Toilette as si)on as she gets up and uses the perfume later in the day. She goes to John of Thurloe Place once a week to have her hair washed because it's so peaceful reading a book under the drier. She uses Elizabeth Arden Visible Difference just before her evening bath which always has Mary Chess Gardenia Foam in it. Furthermore, she couldn't live withciut wholemeal bread from Cranks With Cooper's Oxford marmalade for breakfast and she likes Revlon Natural Wonder All Weather Pink Lip Moisturiser and Clinique Glossy Brush-on Mascara and a little bit of silvery blue eyeshadow.
Amazing, isn't it? She probably dusts her typewriter with Floris Talcum Powder and writes on rice paper that's been sprayed with rose water, pausing at 11 a.m. to nibble on a truffle that's been washed in Femme Eau de Cologne. It all makes me wonder if there's anything you couldn't do in this life if you cherished yourself as much as that. Bette Davis, on the other hand, has honed down the self-coddling to a bare minimum. 'My beauty secret', she says, 'is to eat only half of what is on my plate and not drink at lunchtime.' I suppose she must order large portions and drink at breakfast time. My own beauty secrets are somewhere half-way between those of Miss Davis and the great biographer. As soon as I wake up I smoke three or four Senior Service and then cough for ten minutes. I like to cough into Kleenex For Men Tissues which I buy chez Packwood of Lambourn. Then I get up and make the first cup of tea with a Marks & Spencer teabag. I usually go back to bed for 20 minutes and study the day's runners and riders while my wife strokes my forehead and begs me to pull myself together. When I get up I wash in water, if the pipes haven't frozen and burst. I'm very fond of Thames Water Board water which we have specially piped in. Twice a week I wash my hair in Head and Shoulders but if I'm in London I go to Greek Chris of Aldo's in Old Compton Street. I like to relax with his old copies of Men Only and Penthouse while he blowdries my hair; if I have to wait I relax by playing gin rummy with Italian Albert. Incidentally, like Antonia Fraser, I'm an absolute stickler for a healthy breakfast. I usually fry up some bubble and squeak with half a pound of Newmarket sausages, two eggs, three rasher of bacon and some baked beans. After breakfast I answer the threatening letters and drink a litre of Charbonnier Red Table Wine shipped and bottled by R. & C. Vitners, Carrow, Norwich. I find this gives my skin a healthy pink glow and it helps to keep my eyes open. I have to be very careful of my weight and so often go without lunch although I do sometimes weaken and have a packet of Smith's Crisps with my vodka, lime and soda.
I am particularly fussy about my clothes as well as my skin and figure, as anyone short of money has to be. One must keep up appearances and since my novel is not selling well — possibly because it hasn't been written — I do like to give the impression that all is not yet quite lost. For my foundation garments I go to Marks & Spencer who sell particularly restrictive briefs, making a vasectomy quite unnecessary. I get my suits off the peg but for special occasions I buy trousers from Paul of Berwick Street who was at one time by appointment to the late George Formby and Jack Spot. Sleep is important to morning freshness and I take two valium with a mug of Ovaltine and whisky before burying my face in my pillow and sobbing myself to sleep.
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