DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY Shame it leaked out about our Two Plans. Still, now at least I can tell people why I’ve been so busy — working with the Plan B Team!
This is the most important break-out group, because it’s focusing on what happens if We Win Big. The Plan A people have got a better title — but, frankly, what are they actually able to promise? Scrapping stamp duty for first time buyers, offering jobs to leading Blairites like Tessa and Steve, as well as something for poor Mr Clegg, taking Britain out of the EU social chapter. Borrrrring! I told Poppy over hot Swedish meatball wraps it’s no wonder she’s bored out of her mind. I, on the other hand, get to work on all sorts of exciting proposals for the landslide victory plan: scrapping stamp duty on shares, forming a government of all the talents, taking Britain out of the EU social chapter and the ECHR. That’s more like it!
TUESDAY Thank goodness! Our preparations for summer 2010 to include In-House Training. It was starting to keep me awake at night, worrying about running Britain. That and Sesame’s dressage trials.
New beginner courses in ‘How to Run a Government’ with Mr Clarke vg idea. He gave a fascinating talk this afternoon on how much work you can leave to the officials. Which is just the sort of inside information we need.
However, I think it was a mistake to put Mr Maude in charge of the preparations. He makes us preface everything with: ‘In the unlikely event of a Conservative victory...’ This is tedious and makes our plans for government sound like a safety announcement telling passengers what to do if the plane crashes. It really is putting a downer on things. If the Frankster finds any document without this preface, he has to tap the cappuccino machine three times and say ‘Changemakers’ in a special accent — otherwise bad things will happen.
Off to Crewe tomorrow. Hope nobody throws tomatoes at me while I’m wearing my bluebird outfit, or I won’t be able to wear it to watch the Chelsea match. WEDNESDAY Hooray for toffs! Everyone here loves them! Have been practically mobbed. One lady said she was a life-long Labour supporter but would be voting for our candidate if I could assure her he was a genuine public schoolboy ‘with one of them stripy blazers’. I said that of course he was. And, what’s more, my daddy went to Harrow. At which point she threw her arms around me and pulled me inside for a cup of tea. Was in there for three hours looking through her old photo albums and hearing her stories about the war. Rang Nigel to tell him I definitely had one vote in the bag. He must have been busy dealing with Mr Maude’s cappuccino-tapping because he sounded a bit ungrateful. Am off to watch the match now. Come on you Blues!
THURSDAY Too many blue-coloured alcopops. Only just got back in time for our ‘Feeling The Pain’ seminar. Our lifestyle guru Sherwood feels we can Be The Change on a whole range of issues we’d previously written off — if we think laterally. To demonstrate he went round the room and found all of our ‘Inner Homelessness’. He says that since I called off my engagement five years ago, and moved back to my ‘family of origin’ I am, spiritually speaking, a squatter. The fact that Mummy refuses to redecorate so I still have My Little Pony wallpaper is a hardship I should be drawing on more in my policy drafting. Am deeply moved. Then again, it could be the Curaçao.
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