Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
r:.)1L2 OF A LiII1-1 _ J111 _ _ _ ii— By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY Ugh. Have been in Tranquillity Room all day. Was meant to be briefing Mr Gove's new policy of making all children geniuses by age of six but got migraine. Told Jed I would be lying in the dark thought-storming.
Wondered a lot about how our proposal to end mixed-ability classes and bring in 'setting' might be applied to the shadow Cabinet. Obviously Mr Letwin, Mr Wiens and Mr Gove would be in the top set. Gids, Mr Hague and Foxy would be in the middle. Spelman, Lansley, May, Villiers and little Grant Shapps would be in the bottom, might even qualify for extra tuition. DD and Mr Mitchell would have to go in that special class they have for 'challenging kids'.
Anyway, was midway through my deliberations when Mr Letwin burst in with his shirt hanging out all over the place and his hair standing on end. He flung himself on the waterfuton, shouted 'Oh, oh, ow, 00000h, supply-side revolution!' then leapt back up and stormed out again. It's good to be reminded that there's always someone worse off than you.
TUESDAY Why is everyone losing it? Found out today that Poor Mr Letwin has been quietly sinking under a heap of policy review documents for weeks now. He's made various coded pleas for help in the media but Dave and Jed have been too busy to notice. Now he may need complete chakra realignment. Sherwood, our lifestyle guru, says we must come up with alternative arrangement for making policy decisions. 'This man needs to heal.' Etc., etc.
Mr Hague also seems to be hitting some sort of emotional rock bottom. Increasingly forlorn sounds coming from the Judo Changing Room. The cleaner heard him wailing 'Whatever I do just doesn't seem to work o dear o dear!'
As if that wasn't bad enough, DD throwing his toys out of the pram, threatening to sue anyone who accuses him of being aggressive. Personally, I think this would be wasting the court's time.
Meanwhile Mr Redwood was seen marching down street muttering to himself in green kagoul yesterday. If you ask me, this is the most alarming development of all.
Basically, everyone is shattered. And it's still at least two years to the election. Mr Yeo is doing his best to help by bringing in his v clever private members' Bill to move time forward an hour — although I can't work out if that makes the days shorter or longer. And does it really bring the election any nearer? The more I think about it the more impossible it is to work out WEDNESDAY Had our first Soul-Storming Session. We obviously can't replace Mr Letwin's brain so we are not going to try. We are going to tap into our innermost feelings to formulate new policy from now on. Sherwood says it's very Now.
Jed kicked things off by asking everyone what annoys them. Nigel said public transport. Jed said he wouldn't know because he rides a Googlesponsored bike to work. But we definitely need some policies on it so we all agreed to make the trains better. Poppy said she didn't like Nativity plays without the Baby Jesus so we're going to 'bring back Mary and Joseph'. We managed to come up with 15 new policies in five minutes! Nigel suggested we ring Mr Letwin and tell him to put his mind at rest, but Sherwood said this was not a good idea as it would cause something called 'identity seepage'.
THURSDAY Spent morning mulling over whether would kiss Gordon Brown for £10,000. Conclusion was that with Christmas coming up and on the wages I get paid in this place, I would have to I think Dave should know this is what he's reduced me to.
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