No. 1285: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for a limerick describing a feat worthy of inclusion in a Guinness Book of Records.

My inspiration was a charming limerick quoted by Alan Gibson in the Times recent- ly:

There once was an Uppingham Rover Who bowled seven wides in one over, Which had never been done By an Archdeacon's son On a Friday, in August, at Dover.

Limericks may bring out the most of you, but they also often bring out the worst in you — a certain coarseness in both subject matter and scansion and an inattentiveness to the terms of the competition. Some of you described feats which, however riveting, could hardly have been candidates for inclusion in even an imaginary Guinness Book of Records. Others were a bit too clever for their own good — tortuosity is not, in my view, a virtue in a limerick. When it came to picking winners I decided to be strict about rhyme, so 'Tours' and 'four' were disqualified. The deepest of condolences go to the competitor who sub- mitted 15 limericks and just failed to make the last ten. The winners printed below receive £5 each, and the bonus bottle of Pimm's No. 1 is awarded to P. B.

Dame Caroline Coote, who began

Her life in a tube, in Japan,

Was the first test-tube Mum (Teen-aged) to become A Bishop of Sodor and Man. (P. B.) A masochist chap from Thames Ditton I kis climbed every church spire in Britain. He said, 'What I like Is each top has a spike, Which makes them just heaven to sit on.'

(Simon Prestwick) A competitive surgeon from Boulder Once removed his own arm at the shoulder, Then did a repeat With one hand on both feet.

The record still stands, not the holder.

(Mrs Clarke) In Thetford, some friends of her part Buried Anne Boleyn's heart, the poor tart; 'Twas mislaid, it appears, A prodigious young lady named Betty Ate thirty-one miles of spaghetti, Made a charity walk From Bombay to New York, And was first to get laid by a yeti.

(Basil Ransome-Davies)

A very clean housewife in Gower Holds the record for taking a shower.

She's been there six years, And when the steam clears Shouts, 'Ready in just half an hour!' (J. Timson) That his laugh is the loudest on Earth So claims a joke-pedlar of Perth: This must be the case For travellers in space Hear reverberant sounds of his mirth. (Ralph Sadler) y avail un jeune homme du Puy Qui fuma mille Gauloises dans une null. L'issue de cette fête Fut un sale mal de tete — Mais dans Guinness son nom resplendit. (Marie-Helene Caran)

Said a microchip maker from Slough,

'My latest invention's a wow! I have indexed and stored On a one-inch-square board The whole of creation till now.'

(Michael Lee)

A conjurer hailing from Hunts Who did most spectacular stunts Took too many risks When juggling with discs, Thus breaking five records at once. For three hundred years, It's the longest men ever lost heart!

(Nell L. Wregible) (Joyce Johnson)