OXFORD LETTER
On student strikes & pasquills
MERCURIUS OXONIENSIS
GOOD BROTHER LONDINIENSIS
I am glad to learn, from your letter of the 8th inst., that those absurd speculations of Master PHS, in the Times fazette, confidently declaring me to be none other than my old adversary (now reconcil'd), the Regius Pro-. fessor of History, have occasion'd only mirth and ridicule among our friends in the metropolis. Not that I ever doubted the good sense of most of you there; but there are always some innocent souls who will believe anything, in our academick world no less than in Printing House Square. Yet I must confess that in these last days I have sometimes wished that the doctrine of Master PHS, how praeposterous soever, had been believed, in order to draw off from me some imminent dangers.
For after all this ruffianly sword-play and aerial piracy by the student fanatiques in Japan, and this barbarous kid-napping and then murther of that poor ambassadour in Guatemala, the timidity of my nature begins to assert itself. I can brave it out with the best in a college meeting or Congregation, and stand resolute for the cause, A thanasius contra mundum, in committee, or in caucus, or at dessert. But I like not cold steel nor hard shot; and if such tricks are to be played on us here (quod Deus avortat), though I wish no ill to that worthy professor, better on him than on me, say I. He has a stout constitution and can, give blow for blow, but my poor body is craz'd with age and bent with study. I relish not the thought of being whisk'd off to the Antipodes in a captive flying-machine by fanaticall gladiatours from Balliol coll., nor of being shot through the head in some bramble-thicket in Hell Copse or Badgers' Bottom (whence squire Todhunter flushes his foxes) by masked and bearded desperadoes from Oriel coll. For these are the two coils. in which our fanati- ques can still be heard spluttering. Of my own comfortable coll. in Turl-street I have no such fears, the young men there being all of exemplary conduct.
Alarm'd by these Mormo's or hobgoblin fears, I had almost thought of taking flight. Come, said I, 'tis time for a sabbatique term of absence from Oxon; and why should I not, at my age, go a-cruising with my dear sister Iris in the South Seas and there refresh my mind in some abstruse by-ways of sound learning? But this my design, how tentative soever, was no sooner whisper'd abroad than I was besieged on all sides by flattering dehortations. For first, the most prudent of my fellow-collegians begged me to desist from any such project, saying that 'twas absolutely necessary that I remain here at my post, not only to teach the young men the right interpretation of Aristotle his Politicks, but also to utter sound doctrine in our college senate, where (said they) 'tis much needed, to stiffen the gellies; and secondly, an ambassage of my pupills, com- ing to my door, in a very respectfull manner, offered themselves as a body-guard (as that famous Association for the late Queen Elizabeth, of glorious memory) to defend my life against kid-nappers or assassins, or, at the worst, to avenge my death at such hands; whom I heartily thanked and refreshed with some choice Rhenish wine sent to me by Master Lawson and other grateful! readers of these my letters. Finally, to resolve my last doubts, there has come into my hands a curious paper. 'Tis a pasquill put forth after the dismall failure of their anticks at the end of last term, by a junto of fanatiques who call themselves (observe well their jargon) 'a meaningful organisation of militant students at Oxon to fight the power of the authorities'; and it has been sent to me by a good friend who col- lects such trivia for his album or file (though we use not that word now, as ill-omen'd) to give mirth to his little grandchildren. This pasquill called upon all students throughout the land, in revenge for the spanking they of Oxon had received from Master Vice- chancellour and the Proctors, to cease parleying with vice-chancellours etc., as a pack of obstinate disobedient currs, and instead to bring 'em sharply to heel by cal- ling `A NATIONALL STUDENT STRIKE'; WhiCh last words they have writ thus, in black let- ters, such a strike being, as they say, an absolute necessity if they are to stave off final .defeat and, thereafter, an aeternall dark-night of tyranny, slavery, etc.
A nationall student strike ... 0 noble pro- spect! 0 blessed freedom for us poor college mokes, tied fast to the treadmill of lectures, tutorials, examinations! 0 liberty, sweet liberty! Why then (said I) should I sollicit a sabbatique term, at some cost to myself? For besides disappointing my friends, I must spend my accumulated credit in that sort, and shift my pupills to other extemporary tutours, and even entrust the care of the col- lege cellar, which I have managed these thirty years, to some untried deputy. Here is a sabbatique term freely offer'd to all of us! The wicked shall cease from troubling us and we shall be at rest in our colleges, every man under his vine and under his fig-tree, reading our books and drinking our port- wine like gentlemen once again. And those poor blind creatures, for wilfully deserting their studies, shall be docked of the subsidies which the publick pays 'em for that purpose, and which they so grossly abuse, and shall be obliged to earn their bread by turning spits or carting dung or skinning whales, or other such honest employments, far more necessary to the commonwealth than reading profane and seditious works of sociology.
So I have given over my plans of travel, and now, instead of idle discourses from Trincomalee or Otaheite, you shall continue to receive my pregnant letters of news from Oxon; which news I shall now compleat, by telling you somewhat more about this pas- quill which I have received, and the circumstances in which it was writ. To which end I must take you back to my late letter, concerning the fanatiques who shut themselves up, and were besieged, for the space of a week, in the Clarendon Building.
Know then that when those fanatiques left that building, on Monday 2nd March, pretending thereby to have won some
notable-victory over the powers of darkness, they straightway called all men to gather in the Union, or mock-parliament of the university, for a great assembly, to register and compleat their triumph; which assembly was presided over by one of your practis'd agitators from London, who whipt and stript it in their usual fashion. By his artful managery, six apostles were chosen, all known fanatiques (some of Balliol colL, some formerly of Warwick university or Ruskin coll.), whom he charged straightway to go and threaten Master Vice-chancellour, in the name of them all; which they did, in an insolent paper (since fallen into my hands) requiring compliance with all their demands within two days: failing which they would do great things.
But these threats being totally ignored,
and no great things happening, these poor agitators soon fell into contempt; from which they sought to extricate themselves by call- ing even more meetings, and shouting ever louder, to an ever dwindling auditory; until. on Thursday 12th March (being the tan, .01- sentence to be pronounced on the ring- leaders), they gathered round the Proctors' office crying out, as in a trance, 'Kill the pigs! Kill the proctors!' and suchlike in- decencies, very painful! to loyal! ears;, after which they broke into Bodley's quadrangle, in a tumultuary fashion, and would have broken into his Library too, had not the great gate been closed against 'em; so they pranced around chanting 'Kill the proctors! ', till they were weary, and then went away. All which gained them nothing (the proctors being men of stout heart and good sense), nor saved their leaders from due punish- ment.
So at last, that evening, in their despair, they called a meeting at Somerville coll. (a female seminary, formerly of high repute, but now in decline); and 'twas here that they blew their trumpet-call for a general! student strike, as their last remedy, being already in extremis. At the same meeting they pro- pounded also the setting up of a Committee of Defence, to sit in Oxon throughout the vacation, countering the machinations of their enemies (who have better things to do than machinate against such poor buzz-flies) and to ensure (again you will mark their jargon) 'a permanent base for further mili- tant action'; which base, how permanent it will be, resting on such froth and bubble, I leave to your imagination.
Our next term being now about to begin, we shall soon know whether the call to the general! strike has been issued and obeyed. Meanwhile I do but observe that the style and substance of their papers sufficiently show (besides their illiteracy) how sensible these poor fanatiques are become of the con- tempt and ridicule into which they have brought themselves. 'Tis now to be hoped they will turn on their leaders, who have caused them thus to expose their upturn'd bare buttocks (which nevertheless are the seemliest parts of some of them) to Master Bullock's birch-rod; and in particular, on that practis'd agitator of yours who set 'em on this course, and whom I beg you hence- forth to keep at home, and not send hither to trouble your loving brother to serve you MERCURIUS OXONIENSIS P.s. I have today sent to you, by a most secret new way (for it must on no account fall into Master Lawson's hands), a long let- ter on the Old-soules club. Pray acknowledge receipt thereof: I shall not rest till I know it safe in your hands.
Previous page
