Thanks for Everything

Competitors were invited to submit a "drank you" letter for an embarrassing Christmas present, as written by any one of the following: Queen Victoria, Rev. Sydney Smith, Lord Tennyson, Marilyn Monroe, Senator McCarthy, Mr Pooter.

Order of popularity: Queen Victoria, Marilyn Monroe, Mr. Pooter, McCarthy, Sydney Smith, Tennyson.

Queen Victoria's presents included an Abominable Snowman from The Baracuda of Himalaya, a copy of Forever Amber from " Bertie," of Mr. Miller's Jest Book from " Teddy," of The Kinsey Report from Dr. Kin*, three volumes of Reno Records from the publishers in Los Angeles, three separate sets of bloomers from their inventor, Mrs. Amelia Jenks Bloomer of America, a bathing dress embroidered with the name " Victoria" on the front, a cannibal cook from King Koffee, and a ceremonial elephant from the Sanjak of Novibazaar.

Presents to Marilyn Monroe were mostly items of clothing : two separate modesty vests, two bras, pne of foam rubber, the other inflatable, a chest expander (from Jane Russell), some black undies, some pink knitted combinations, a copy of Proust in French, a copy of Steatopygy in Ancient and Modern Art from the Institute of Steatopygic Research.

Mr. Pooter got three presents from his son Lupin (a photograph of Lilian in draughty fancy dress, a loud tie and a copy of Bathing Beauties Bright and Beautiful), a lion cub from Mr. Murray Posh, some explosive cigars from Cummings, and some bagpipes. • Sydney Smith got a bag of oatmeal from Horner, a case of whisky from a parishioner, a large fish from another, a pot of embroca- tion from another, and a bowl of goldfish from a fourth.

McCarthy got 2 lbs. of China tea from his Archbishop (Helen Towers of Cambridge, Mass.), a red tie, a gramophone record of " Little Red Monkey," a copy of Das Kapital and a year's subscription to the Russian- American Peace and Friendship Society.

Lord Tennyson got a gaudy tie from Lady Clara Vere de Vere, a rhyming dictionary and a comb.

Prizes: £2 to D. R. Peddy and £1 each to Allan M. Laing, Lord Dunsany and the Rev. J. P. Stevenson.

PRIZES

(D. R. PEDDY)

Wisconsin, 27/12/53 Brother, Guess it was mighty big of you to send me "Karl Marx" by D. A. S. Kapital. This will be of very great assistance to me and the boys in nailing down them goddam commies in Hollywood. We've got 'em on toast now O.K. and you'll be televiewing 'ern squirm before the Committee early in the New Year. Would you be knowing which alias this heel Karl uses? Reckon it must be Harpo on account of Groucho smokes cigars. But I figure we'd be safest to subpoena the whole goddam bunch. Maybe this guy Kapital could give more evidence.—Yours ever, JOE

(ALLAN M. LAINO)

Sydney Smith acknowledges a Case of Whisky from a Parishioner

My Dear Sir,

I take it that in sending me this case of whisky you felt that although my spiritual gifts were ample, my spirituous stock was low. It is true that in private I have sometimes suffered from low spirits, but I believe that I have always brought to my public appearances high spirits in sufficient quantity. With your approval, my dear Sir, I propose to give a party for twenty-four bibulous bishops. They should be good for half-a-bottle each; and as your spirits go down, I shall watch theirs and mine rise. There is no spectacle in nature to equal a bishop so elevated, and when you multiply one by twenty-four, the demonstration of public spirit will be a sight for the angels.— 1 am, my dear Sir, Yours temperately,

SYDNEY SMITH (LORD DUNSANY)

A Royal Mount The Queen thanks the Sanjak of Novibazaar for his most kind present of his own personal elephant, so very finely caparisoned. The Queen would be glad to accede to his Highness's wish that this charming elephant should be used by her, both "to proceed to her Parlia- ment and to ride in the Row called Rotten," were it not that it is the Queen's custom to consult her ministers about all ceremonial connected with the opening of Parliament and to be guided to some extent by their advice. It would be undesirable that His Highness's representative in London should neglect work that the Queen feels sure is important by waiting all day beside Rotten Row in order to make his salaams to her, as His Highness so kindly suggests, since it is uncertain on what date the Queen's commitments will allow her the leisure necessary for this pleasant ride.

(REV. J. P. STEVENSON)

Dear Sir, I am gratified to know that your admiration for my diary should have moved you to send the gift that I was surprised, in more ways than one, to receive by this afternoon's post. It was perhaps our stags' heads in plaster-of- Paris which prompted the selection of a French lithograph; but I must confess that the tastes of •Monsieur Lautrec, of Toulouse, are not mine. I am not, perhaps, a connoisseur of modern art; but it is possible to be too up- to-date in fashion, as it is to be too loose in morals t My bachelor friend Gowing is much taken with your gift, and has asked for it on per- manent loan; a request to which, in the perhaps fortunate absence on holiday of Mrs. Charles Pooter, I have acceded. Thanking you once again for your kind motives,—Yours