New life

The beginning of the end

Zenga Longmore

'My wife left me for a vacuum cleaner.'

open of lockless council flat doors.

Here in my ground-floor Harlesden flat, even the most obtuse Witness has found knocking on my door to be a doddle. Not that I mind. In fact, I rather enjoy perusing the odd Watchtower magazine, and Oma- lara gleans great amusement from tearing out the pictures of Americans seeing the light and feeding the bits to Comma, her green wooden bear.

This morning, the bell rang just as I was steeling myself to rub off the pink tooth- paste that Omalara had smeared on the bedroom wall. Yet another call from the Jehovah's Witnesses came as a welcome distraction. A pleasant, if anxious, middle- aged Dominican woman greeted me with an enquiry about the end of the world.

'Is when it is, you think?' she asked.

'Oooh, let me think . .. well, I can't say for sure. It's up to President Bush, I sup- pose.'

'You want to buy a magazine that will tell you all about it?'

I could not suppress a waggish smile. The Jehovah's Witnesses last predicted that this old world would shuffle off its mortal c. in 1973. I can still recall the twang of trepidation I felt as the dreaded year loomed large. However, when the world continued to live and kick in 1974 (though somewhat the worse for platform shoes and drug-crazed hippies) the Witnesses got out of it by saying that 1973 was the beginning of the end of the world.

You see, Jehovah's Witnesses have rather thoughtfully rewritten the Bible. This means, that whenever anyone dis- proves their theories by saying, 'Hey, wait a minute! That's not in the Bible!' the slick reply can be: 'Yes it is, look!' Then the revamped evidence is produced. Rather clever that, I think you'll agree.

Today's doorstep Witness seemed so pleasant a person that I allowed her to prattle on about seven-headed beasts from Revelations with positive delight.

'Did you have a nice Christmas?' I even- tually butted in.

'Mercy on me, child!' she replied with an engaging grimace. 'Surely you're old enough to know that Christmas is a pagan saturnalia? The Christmas tree is a wooden idol, y'know, and Father Christmas is a demon giant conceived by an angel and a daughter of man. Tinsel decorationsare the shining teeth of the Great Beast.'

'Oh, I see. Then I suppose it's no use my wishing you a happy New Year?'

Before the woman had time to reply, Omalara ran to the doorstep and burst into a rousing chorus of 'Jingle Bells'. I hurried-

ly bought a Watchtower mag6zine and the

Jehovah's Witness jingled on her merry way. Judging by the pictures I saw, Jeho- vah's kingdom on earth will resemble the picnic area of a national park in the Rock- ies. Teeth and freckles will he the order of eternity. Summer will last all year, render- ing Christmas unnecessary. Nice for a holi- day, but I wouldn't want to live there.