COMPETITION

No. 614: What you will

Competitors are invited to compose (in verse) an entreaty for—or imprecation against— the dockers. Limit sixteen lines. Entries, marked 'Competition No. 614,' by 7 August.

No. 611: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: Competitors were asked to submit a job application by a newly- unseated MP who is careful to conceal where he gained his qualifications. Sales representa- tive struck most entrants as the nearest parallel. Here is a typical one which wins three guineas:

Sir,

Having spent the last few years retailing a nationally-known product from door to door, I feel I possess the qualities necessary for the job of spittoon salesman advertised in this week's Expectorator.

I enjoy working under pressure and have endured twenty-hour shifts, abuse and even periodic whippings in my previous em- ployment. I specialise in low budget pro- motions, using unpaid, voluntary labour and free puffs in the press and television.

After one three-weeks sales drive, I achieved 31,753 brand acceptances in a single day, but was sacked, as this was not good enough.

Enclosed is a recent poster of myself. Russell Lucas Martin Fagg and M. K. Cheeseman, who each win two guineas, opted for the enter- tainment field, and plainly rate MPS pretty low: Dear Editor,

For the last few years I have spent almost every evening from six to midnight confined in a large but singularly ill-ventilated room watching proceedings of unparalleled tedium and fatuity. 1 have observed countless dis- plays of senile peevishness and juvenile ex- hibitionism. I have seen those who obviously thought they were being entertaining being more unfunny than you can possibly con- ceive. I have witnessed every possible per- mutation of banality and tastelessness, pre- tentiousness and pomposity. This experience gives me, I think you will agree, a unique claim to the post of television critic on your esteemed paper ...

Martin Fagg Dear Sirs,

I am wondering if your agency can make use of my services as a film or TV extra. I -have considerable experience of sitting around, trying to look impressive, but never saying a word, though the work did give considerable opportunities for shouting, crying 'Oh!' or other ejaculations. I also gained considerable experience of making animal noises. In other words, my job con- sisted of being a discreet, anonymous back- ground to a number of colourful characters who spent their time spouting a lot of other people's words which they didn't mean. M. K. Cheeseman The remainder of the entries covered a wide field of occupations which ranged from night watchman to betting shop assistant. Here are two of the less usual which earn three guineas each:

. . . eminent qualifications for the post of Whipper-in to your Hunt. My experience of Whipping, gained in England's premier ter- rain, has not only inbued me with the funda- mental principles of working in the pack, but has taught me the persuasive powers respect- ively of the one-, the two-, or the three- thonged Whip against recalcitrancy.

If 1 am alive to the occasional wisdom of granting the pack its individual heads, the recent example of a member, however re- putedly sagacious, crying off on his own line, and allowing the quarry to escape to the Heath, is only too keenly present to me .. , John Digby

To the President of the Royal Zoological Society.

Dear Sir,

In proposing myself for employment at your Regent's Park Branch as an expert on parrot cries I should like to take this op- portunity of assuring you that the cages under my charge would be kept in immacu- late condition—I know all about pushing through motions—and that you need have no qualms about the hot-air system. Fur- thermore, should you be contemplating a hybridisation programme, I feel sure I can offer useful suggestions on pairing. An early reply would be appreciated, as I am think- ing of trying'another place.

Peter Peterson

Recommendations for Milly Fitton and W. F. N. Watson, and finally four guineas

for Rufus Stone whose prize goes, at his request, to 'Shelter': Dear Box Number 99, For the last six years I have been in nightly receipt of the whip and have loved every moment of it. I have recently enjoyed three weeks of being incessantly abused, cul- minating in my being kicked out of my job and thoroughly humiliated—in full view, moreover, of millions on television. Again, I wouldn't have missed a minute of it. All this makes me think I am just the bloke you are looking for in your ad in UZ for 'submis- sive flat-mate prepared to undergo regular correction in return generous remuneration,' When do I begin?