Television
Kids' stuff
Wendy Cope
Last weekend, hoping to find a new favourite programme to replace LA Law (ITV), I watched Miami Vice (BBC 1) for the first time. My hopes were pretty well dashed by an opening sequence featuring racehorses, cars, a greyhound and fast music that suggested action and adventure. Action and adventure do not interest me very much. It was followed by a shot of some rough, tough-looking men in a car. One of them was smoking a cigarette and you have to be very rough and tough to do that on television nowadays. The cigarette misled me into thinking that these must be the baddies. Before long they were sur- rounded by soldiers with guns. As they left, a prisoner was shot. I gathered that this was taking place in South America. The rough, tough men went back to the United States for three minutes and then reappeared in the jungle, where they were waiting for someone to show up. It was gradually becoming clear to me that these were the heros and that the plot had something to do with drugs.
After an hour I felt quite sure I under- stood what was going on but I won't bore you with the rest of the story. The prog- ramme — an extra-long edition to begin the new series — lasted an hour and a half. About 28 people were gunned down and a house and a helicopter exploded. I was grateful to be spared a car chase but concluded that this is definitely a program- me for boys. I didn't even like the clothes.
Earlier on Saturday I had been looking after a three-year-old boy, who wanted me to help him shoot the big bad wolf. His parents belong to CND and I was fairly sure they wouldn't like me to encourage this game, so we took teddy on the big wooden train in the park instead and had a lovely time. Perhaps it was because I hadn't travelled the short distance back to my usual level of maturity that I felt like watching Donald Duck (ITV) when I arrived home. I think I've seen 'Donald's Nephews' before but not for a very long time. I enjoy it more now I'm grown-up. The scene where Donald bites into a huge piece of mustard pie and his face slowly goes bright red and he breathes fire and smoke would have upset me when I was a child. But I have got tougher and am better able to appreciate how good the pictures are. The manic expressions on the faces of Huey, Dewey and Louie as they whizz round the house on their tricycles are perfect. I hope it is all right to review an old cartoon. I once asked the editor if I was allowed to write about old films and repeats and he didn't know either. There are not a lot of new British programmes to choose from at this time of year and I forgot to tape Tony Harrison's Loving Memory (BBC 2), which sounded interest- ing. I'll try to remember it next week.
At lunchtime on Sunday I did manage to record an edition of Link (ITV), a prog- ramme for the disabled, which included an item about British Telecom. Many dis- abled people are worried because they have heard that they will have to pay extra in future if they want to have their phones repaired quickly. It was news to me that anyone is going to have to pay extra for prompt service but I am afraid it is so £10.45 per quarter. A charmless British Telecom spokesman explained that 'as a special concession' the company has agreed to continue the free emergency fault repair service for chronically sick and disabled customers. To get on the list they will have to send medical certificates, which they will probably have to pay for. `We wanted,' the spokesman continued, 'to formalise the system. In the past we weren't customer-responsive. We're a pri- vate company now. We're responding to customers' needs.' Really. It's enough to make anyone breathe fire and smoke.
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