Dere Sir . . .

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 264 Report by D. R. Peddy

Following the recent suspension of a Hull swhoolboy for criticising one of his head. master's speeches in a letter to the press, a prize of £5 was offered for a letter, castigating some aspect of school life, by Peter Postmaster, Flashman, Smike, Billy Bunter, Young Woodley or 'Down with Skool' Molesworth.

IN a competition about youth, it is hardly surprising that youth should participate. One competitor, Stephen Smith, is appar- ently six and a half, and there were others who gave ages below eighteen. The stan- dard of the entries as a whole was, however, disappointing, and there was not a very large measure of originality.

Nigel Molesworth was definitely TOPP in popularity. Some competitors emulated not only his style and highly individual spelling, but even the degree of tidiness of his literary efforts in manuscript, which made reading a little difficult. Molesworth inveighed against everything, from School Pictures and School Plays to Writing Home, in varying degrees of faithfulness to Messrs. Winans and Searle.

Bunter was another favourite (I am ad- monished by Frank Littler, by the way, for spelling his name Billie and not Billy). D. E. Harrison and E. C. Jenkins were the best Bunter supporters. - The best of a not very good bunch were the Rev. J. P. Stevenson, A. D. Bennett Jones, Miss J. M. Charlton and Mrs. H. Vineham. I suggest that they share the prize equally. Runners-up were Dinah Molloy, Edward Blishen, A. M. Sayers, D. L. L. Clarke and Granville Garley.

PRIZES

(8Ev. J. P. STEVENSON)

TO THE EDITOR OF THE TIMES

Dere sir,-I wonder if any of yore readers hay any idea of the pyscological harm done to the younger generation by compulsery CHURCH on Sunda. This anakronesm. wich hay been significantly done awa with in the army, is still rampant in many skools. Pictur the ire- perable harm in middle life due to mixing man's sublimest spiritule asperations with hav- ing to brush hair, scrub nales ect. chiz chiz Vicker say I remember some of you boys fathers wen they were at St. custard's many- many ycres ago. He probably remember th,c Flud so wot. Surely, sir, Sunda should be a da of rest & medetation on how to get to heven i.e. in uranium-propelled space ship.-Yours

fathefully, n. molesworth.

(A. D. BENNETT JONES)

Sir,-It has come as'a great shock to us that the principle of fair play, upon which the public schools of this nation have been built, is being persistently undermined by the masters of Llanabba Castle.

I refer, Sir, to the rigging of the Roulette wheel. At Marrakech last Christmas, I devised a full-proof system, consisting of a certain combination of two chevals, two transversales pleines and three carres. 1 returned, determined to lead the Fifth to victory, only to find myself thwarted by the deliberate cheating of the masters supervising this game.

Being officially unrecognised. our school is not subject to inspection, and, therefore, I should he glad if you would publicise this matter Pod emphasise its extreme urgency. The funds ot the Fifth are running low, and we are having to economise on Virginian cigarettes and South African sherry. Moreover, Sir, the honour of the school is at stake.-Yours faithfully, Llanabba Castle. Pastmaster.

(MISS J. M. CHARLTON)

St. Custards. Dere Sur, Yuo want too heer abuot the horors off skool life well i and my fiends wuold lik too expoes the teror off the end off turm resitle the beck says at end off turm well boys is the customm oIT the deer old skool too leeve yuo

too yuore one devisess at this tim (Cheres) but (with glasy stair) yuo hay prooved sow un- trusswerthy in passt turms wee hay dessided too giv yuo a mosst interresting resitle by Miss Pennelloppee Sludge chiz chiz this wooman beems britely at weeds in lower skool and makes us al sing sopy songs abuot fayrys and bunys and she skipps abuot the stag wile wee play imajenerry trumpets and floots the smal weeds luv itt wee think itt is orful their shuold bee a bil in parlmen abuot itt.

Yuors ect, N. Molesworth.

(MRS. H. V1NEHAM)

Dear Sir, Since the deplorable publicity given to the case of the 'Done Brown' boy, officialdom is threatening the whole glorious tradition of our Public Schools.

We have been firbidden the use of the schoolroom fire for roasting anything larger than chestnuts! As if that were not enough, the laundry mangle and Matron's iron have been declared out of bounds, and no hooks must be affixed to any wall to which the smallest particle of a human ear still clings. Soon our very knives and forks will be re- stricted tq the puncturing of dead flesh!

They tell us to give the boys a little tender- ness-but how can we do this when they con- fiscate our nail-studded knouts?

Truly, there are some sad souls in the Upper Sixth today.

I am, dear Sir.

The Sadist, Flashman.