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COMPETITION

Kate and Pet

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1873 you were invited to supply a rhyming dialogue between Kate and Pet (Katherina and Petruchio) at the end of which the tamed man lowers the flag.

I have always had a soft spot for this play by the great dead white male chauvinist pig. 'The door is open, sir; there lies your way;/You may be jogging while your boots are green,' say the Shrew haughtily in Act III, and there's a boot again, a rather unfortunate one in the context, when she submits: 'Then vail your stomachs, for it is no boot,/And place your hands below your husband's foot.' The prizewinners printed below take £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to 0. Banfield.

Kate: My long last speech has filled you with surprise,

But did you see the promise in my eyes?

Pet: No, I did not — I trust that they expressed The smouldering rage that gave our courtship

zest?

Kate: You really thought a woman would delight In being starved and kept awake at night? Pet: Why not? I starved and kept awake as well, And quite enjoyed it when you gave me hell. Kate: Your effort to have sex was really funny But then, you only married me for money. Pet: Not just for cash — like me, you have, I

think,

A taste for S and M, my favourite kink. Kate: Let's start again, Pet. Buy me a new dress. Henceforth you're M. It's my turn to be S. Pet: My married bliss has all too short a date! Oh well, I asked for it. Come, kick me, Kate!

(0. Banfield)

Kate: You say you love me. Do you then agree To live a life subordinate to me?

Pet: You must be mad. This fellow's not equipped

To be uxorious and pussy-whipped.

Kate: No one denies your masculine prowess, But manhood cuts no ice with me unless I have the power to dominate my mate. So if you want to wed, capitulate.

Pet: And let you wear the trousers? What, am I Fit only for the bed and DIY?

I fear that you've been reading Suzanne Moore. Well, more fool you. Retract, or I'll withdraw. Kate: You can't withdraw unless you've been let in.

And that depends on you....

Pet: OK, you win. (Basil Ransome-Davies) Pet: Let's head for Hampstead, babe. That's where it's at.

Kate: Well, I'm not budging from this Chair. That's flat, Per: Can you resist? Let Pet sweep you away! Kate: Look, I've been vetting client loans all day. Pet: My mind's made up. We're shootin' through that door.

Kate: Heavens, your mid-life crisis is a bore. Pet: I'm not decrepit yet. No need to scoff. Kate: For God's sake take that silly kaftan off. Pet: I'm still a gorgeous brute. Eh, honey-bunch? Kate: You look like Noddy when he's missed his lunch. Pet: I'll drag you off to that confounded party! Kate: Don't be too sure. Remember my karate? Pet: Doesn't Kate love her little Pet-i-pee? Kate: When he remembers who he is — maybe. Pet: I'll put the kettle on. With milk for you? Kate: Black. Oh, and bring the ginger biscuits too. (Chris Tingley) Kate: You really are a wild one, aren't you, Pet? Pet: I've not been worsted by a woman yet. Kate: If you intend to win this Kate at last, You'll have to ditch that macho image fast. Pet: Would I could treat your words with high disdain; But beggars can't be choosers; so — explain! Kate: The kitty that I bring can clear your debt; But a rich wife requires a docile Pet: Faithful and true, attentive to her needs, And not inclined to bite the hand that feeds. Pet: Suddenly tameness seems a tempting course.

Kate: Money is such a civilising force. Pet: This new-man role looks like my smartest bet.

You've got yourself a loyal household Pet. Uxoriousness will be my constant care: A Pet impeccable — a teddy bear! (Bridget Loney) Pet: You mean it, dear? Love, honour and obey? Kate: Of course. We must do things the proper way.

Pet: I never thought I'd hear you speak that line. Kate: Nor will you. Those will be your words, not mine.

Pet: Obey? I've only just agreed to share. Kate: And so we will, but I'll be in the chair. Pet: And anyway the modern word is 'cherish'. Kate: With two hands on the helm the ship will perish.

Pet: All right, one leader, then. But why not me? Kate: Think of it as a job: what's your CV? Pet: Exams, jobs held? Why, much the same as you.

Kate: A specialist: we need a broader view. Pet: Domestic stuff? I'll learn all that by rote. Kate: But I don't have to; so who gets the vote? Pet: All right, 'obey'. Now can we call it quits? Kate: Come here and let me cherish you to bits.

(Noel Petty)

No. 1876: The perfect murder

You are invited to describe how you com- mitted the perfect murder, complete with motive, trivial or important. Maximum 150 words. Entries to 'Competition No. 1876' by 6 April.