YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. After a severe personal loss, I was recently invited to stay for two weeks in Barbados with the apparently sympathetic widow of a very old friend. Unfortunately, for reasons possibly not unconnected with a certain arrogance due to excessive wealth and a fanatical teetotalism I hadn't noticed before (my old friend had been convivial), I was evicted without ceremony from her house after six days. This was a shattering experience, not only because of my still fragile mental state, but also because it led to considerable unexpected expenditure. The person in question clearly felt some uneasiness about what she had done since she subsequently issued several invitations, which I naturally declined. My problem is this We both lead active social lives in Wilt- shire and are bound to meet at various func- tions; even worse, place a table may result m our actually sitting next to one another. I have what is, I think, a natural desire to exact some retribution for her unacceptable behaviour, but without causing too much disturbance. What would you suggest?
E.D.G., Caine A. I suggest that you actively conspire with a mutual friend so that you and the widow in question do meet in the very near future, indeed that place a table actually does result in your sitting next to one another. Four to six shared acquaintances would also be invited to a luncheon or dinner. Only when everyone is assembled at the table should it be clear that there is an empty chair your own. At that point your hostess can say, 'Yes, Euan's joining us. He'll be here any minute but he said he might be held up and we should go ahead without him.' This will be the cue for someone else at the table to feign ignorance of what happened in Barbados and say to the widow, 'Oh but you've just been frightfully kind to Euan, inviting him to Barbados, haven't you? What a difference that must have made when he was feeling so low and vulnerable! How frightfully kind of you.' Turning to the rest of the table, continue, 'You know, she really did him a good turn. When someone is kind like that, after you have really had the stuffing knocked out of you, it can make you think life really is worth living after all!' Turning back to the guilty party, `So you put him up in your lovely house?' and more in this vein. As the rest of the table murmurs 'how kind', the culprit will be forced to admit to her untimely eviction, and as she splutters to explain herself the rest of the guests can listen in unhelpful silence. Meanwhile you, who have been waiting outside the door of the dining- room, can choose an appropriate moment to make your entrance.
Q. I bought a wedding present last June for the son of a great friend of mine. The list was with a wedding-present buying agency and you just quoted your credit card num- ber and they supposedly delivered the thing. Since then the amount has come up on my statement but I have never been thanked. As the boy is rather gormless it annoys me to think that one, he has not taken in the fact that I have given him a present; two, that his father may think I have not given anything. Or, indeed, three, that the agency just pocketed the cash without passing on the present. How can I find out?
Name and address withheld A. Next time you are talking to your friend say casually, 'Oh, by the way, would you just ask Dan if those wedding-list people ever actually delivered the china I bought for him? It's rather odd because it hasn't shown up on my credit card statement and Dan has never mentioned getting it.'
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